March, like many other months, was, at one time, the first month of the year.  It seems like every time a new emperor took power in Rome, he felt the best way to shore up his legacy was to rearrange the calendar and add himself to it.  But don’t feel bad, March; you’re still important. March 14 is Pi Day, and for those of you still with me, March 14 at 1:59pm is Pi Minute, and if you really want to dork it up, March 14^that 1:59pm and 26 seconds is Pi Second.  There, you go now and annoy your friends with that.

March 14 is also Einstein’s birthday; however, most people prefer to wait until the 17^th to celebrate it in conjunction with the most important holiday of the year, St. Patrick’s Day. Kind of like the way we celebrate Martin Luther King Day on President’s Day.  As an Irish American, I’ll be celebrating St. Pat’s the way I always do: like it’s Monday.

As for Easter, if you think our tradition of an anthropomorphic rabbit hiding eggs all over the place is weird, be glad you’re not Belgian.  Their church bells all fly to Rome on the Saturday before Easter. In France, the bells fly back on Easter Sunday and drop eggs on the way home.  In Norway, they cross-country ski and solve murder mysteries (no joke), while in Finland, Denmark, and Sweden, little kids dressed like witches go door-to-door collecting candy.  At my house, we traditionally let a rabbit loose in the backyard, and then everyone tries to catch it.  The winner snaps its neck in triumph and then decides how he wants it cooked for Easter dinner.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Don’t eat the eggs in the basket on the counter at the gas station.  They didn’t dye them that color.

ARIES(Mar. 21-Apr. 19):If you’re wondering why you’re peeing green the day after St. Patrick’s, don’t blame the green beer; I’d ask the hefty stranger in your bed.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): The Easter Bunny only hides eggs, not raisins.  Put them back.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):Feel free to eat Irish on the 17^th.  Bennigan’s doesn’t count, but the bonnie lass in your office might…

CANCER(June 21-July 22):Remember that Easter Sunday is supposed to be the day that Jesus walked out of his tomb.  Of course, if He steps out and sees His shadow, we’ve got three more weeks until spring.

LEO(July 23-Aug. 22): Hold your own Peep-Off this year.  The day after Easter brings a dramatic reduction in the price of Peeps^®.  The rules are you get half an hour and then a five-minute cool-down, when anyone who pukes is disqualified.  You can, of course, eat your puke to stay in (it has happened).  The record is 102.

VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Just about everybody has Irish in them somewhere.  Odds are twice as good if you’re in a sorority.

LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The wearing of the green does not extend to your underwear.  Especially since they were white when you bought them.

SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):While potatoes are Irish and green is lucky, the solanine in green potatoes will kill you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):Asking an Irishman where he’s hiding his Lucky Charms^® will usually be followed by “up your bum” and then a punch to the face.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):Leprechauns are not lucky; they’re shoemakers.  Midgets, however, are very lucky, especially if you pick them up and nuzzle their little bellies with your nose.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):Start saving up for Tamiflu^® now (a pack of ten runs about $100), because you’re going to catch avian influenza from a brightly colored Easter chick.