The Great Big Story

In the wake of Eliot Spitzer’s resignation as New York governor, high-end prostitutes around the country began a “whore-out” in March, refusing to have sex until their clients become more adept at skirting the law.

“We’re the best tail in the world,” said Vivian LeStade, president of United Escorts International. “If you’re going to get some of this, you better know how to move money into an offshore account without getting busted or learn how to keep your name out of some madam’s little black book.”

Lilly Delacroix, a well-known, high-end, New Orleans hooker, voiced her support for her colleagues, adding that call girls “aren’t in this alone.”

“It’s a two-way street,” Delacroix said of her profession. “It can be a three-way street, but that’ll cost a thousand dollars more.”

Advocate Busts Jindal for Buying off the Rack

The Advocate revealed in a series of investigative reports in March that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal buys discounted clothes from TJ Maxx.

Despite the chief executive’s salary, Jindal “has amassed the most pedestrian, mundane wardrobe imaginable,” the paper reported after a months-long investigation in which its capital bureau examined dozens of receipts.

“We thought the days of U.S. governors being seen regularly in public wearing suits constructed of obtuse, poorly coordinated fabrics and textures were long over,” the paper said in an accompanying editorial. “Gov. Jindal may have improved state government’s ethics, but he remains a fugitive from the fashion police.”

Brady Forced to Return Food Stored in Cheeks

Former LSU basketball coach John Brady must give back the winter stores of nuts, grains, salted pork, and other staples he keeps stored in his cheeks, university officials said in March.

Skip Bertman, LSU athletic director, said the school’s contract with Brady, who accepted the head-coaching job at Arkansas State, stipulates clearly that he must return the food.

“The food in John’s cheeks has offered LSU great protection over the years against winter shortages,” Bertman said. “I’ve expressed to his lawyers, and they understand that’s not part of his compensation. Hopefully, this won’t be a problem.”

Local Ministers Bitch-Slap Faithful into Salvation

Unsatisfied with the rate at which immortal souls in Baton Rouge are being saved from the eternal fires of Hell, the city’s ministers adopted a new strategy in March. Congregants who don’t accept the Lord quickly enough are being backhanded into spiritual enlightenment.

“You’d be amazed at how fast people turn away from the Devil when I slap ’em good upside the head,” said Thelus Jackson, head minister of the First Full Gospel Church of the Nazarene and a former defensive end for the Los Angeles Rams.

“You gonna let Jesus in your life or you gonna get it again,” Jackson said.

This Month’s Guest Columnist:

Gerald “Skeeter” Barnes, Sorrento Philosophizer

I Got Secrets, Too

So, I’m reading that our new, fancy-pants U.S. Attorney General is surprised to learn about all the many ways terrorists threaten our fine country.

That’s right, Michael Mukasey told a bunch of big-shot reporters up in Washington last month that these whacked-out, terrorist yo-yos everywhere around the world want a piece of the good ol’ U.S. of A.

Mukasey said, and I quote, “It's surprising how varied [the threat] is, how many directions it comes from, how geographically spread out it is.”

OK, this is me, Skeeter, talking again.

Despite his big revelation, Mikey wouldn’t say exactly who’s doing the threatening or what they’s threatening to do. The reason? Are you ready for this? Because Mr. Fancy Pants General says that stuff is a secret. A secret!

Well, guess what, Michael Mukasey – I got me some secrets, too.

That’s right, the gray matter up here is full with all kinds of knowledge of facts and such that you would love to get your hands on. But I ain’t telling you. You can’t have what The Skeeter’s got locked up in here.

Some people might even call it state secrets. The things that international intrigue is made of – I’m talking one of those Jason Bourne movies.

And it’s all locked up tighter than a drum, so don’t bother asking, Mr. Michael “Look at me, because I’m a high-collared attorney general” Mukasey.

So, if I go missing, and you read about me being water-boarded or taken to some Romanian jail, just remember: I know a lot of stuff, and I ain’t talking.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Further analysis shows Nickel Beer Night at the Bayou Corn Bar does not fully account for Louisiana’s population loss since Hurricane Katrina.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Michelob does, in fact, make a Light.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Former State Attorney General Charles Foti left office earlier this year because his term ended, not because he had to poo.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.