I’ll admit it: I’m a cynic. I usually gripe and complain about something in this forum, but not this month. It’s April, which means it’s spring: a time of renewal, revitalization, and hope.

Therefore, this month, I’d like to share some of my hopes for the future. I certainly hope you enjoy this message of hope. Hopefully, I won’t disappoint.

Since I’m talking about hope, I’d be remiss if I didn’t start off with Barack Obama. I hope that he soon realizes that most Americans are like small, woodland creatures – they’re stupid and easily frightened. After all, why do you think President Bush refuses to utter the “R” word when discussing the economy?

Hence, if you’re attempting to become the first black president of the United States (sorry, President Clinton) and seize power from “whitey” (EBR School Board member Bill Black’s word, not mine), you probably want to exhibit a little more “discrimination” when selecting a house of worship. After all, you don’t want “whitey” (thanks, Buckskin Bill) to have second thoughts about voting for you because your pastor of 20 years scares the living crap out of him.

Besides, Senator Obama, there are already plenty retards in cyberspace forwarding emails and web links, alerting their equally retarded friends and relatives about your “practice of Islam.” The last thing you need is a pastor who sounds like he should be wearing a bow tie and selling bean pies at the corner of Plank and Evangeline.

As for the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, I agree that Hillary Clinton has never been called the “N” word. However, I hope he realizes that she’s been called the “B” word countless times.

Regarding Senator Clinton, I hope she can begin to recall past events with a little more clarity. Her account of that 1996 trip to Bosnia with singer Sheryl Crow and comedian Sinbad, in which she claimed they landed amid sniper fire, was initially refuted by the latter of her two companions. Her rendition was ultimately disproved by CBS when they released footage of the arrival, which showed it to be anything but a harrowing ordeal.

Clinton later claimed she “misspoke.” Unfortunately, this embellishment did not further the cause of women trying to prove they have the emotional wherewithal needed to lead the country. Some Neanderthals may use this exaggeration to demonstrate that women are too prone to hysteria to be president. Of course, these are likely the same guys who regularly exaggerate about certain parts of their own anatomy, but I digress.

Former Democratic presidential candidate, Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico, recently endorsed Barack Obama, despite the fact that Richardson served as Bill Clinton’s Secretary of Energy. His endorsement of Senator Clinton’s rival prompted Democratic strategist and former Clinton advisor James Carville to compare Richardson to Judas Iscariot.

For the governor’s sake, I hope he knows better than to accompany the junior senator from New York on a stroll through Fort Marcy Park after dark. After all, we wouldn’t want park rangers to find the body of “Judas” after he had committed “suicide.”

On the other side of the aisle, I hope that Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain of Arizona can learn that Al Qaeda is a Sunni organization, while Iran is a Shia regime. I further hope he realizes that saying Iran is training Al Qaeda is like saying Les Miles has asked Nick Saban to come in and give pointers to LSU’s defensive backs.

Wouldn’t it be a shame if McCain got elected president and we invaded yet another country over a little misinterpretation of the facts?

Locally, I hope that The Advocate invokes a limit on the number of letters to the editor from retirees it prints in a single edition.

Also, since so many Americans have hectic schedules and less time to read, I hope that more publications follow the lead of the Greater Baton Rouge Business Report. Usually, you have to open up a periodical to get to the BS, but in a recent issue, GBRBRsaved their readers the trouble by putting it on the cover.

Speaking of the governor’s mouthpiece, I sincerely hope that Melissa Sellers soon realizes that she is Governor Jindal’s press secretary, not his Protectorate General. While attempting to completely insulate Louisiana’s champion of open and transparent government from members of the unscrupulously mean and vicious media, like The Daily Reveille, she’s managed to alienate countless Capitol Bureau veterans, which could prove a liability for the administration in the long run.

Her email distribution list is more select than the reservation list at Spago on Oscar night. Press conferences are announced minutes before the scheduled start time. TV stations find out about available, shared, “pool” footage after their newscasts have already aired. Even members of various government entities have complained that they don’t receive press releases about their own organizations.

You want to interview the governor? Unless your name is Wolf Blitzer, be prepared to be dissed worse than someone trying get past David Spade’s portrayal of Dick Clark’s “gatekeeper” on Saturday Night Live years ago.

I know she wants to shelter Jindal from people like me, but Bobby’s a big boy. Besides, if he’s worthy of being considered as a vice presidential candidate, I’m sure he’s capable of fielding an occasional question from reporters.

Maybe Sellers’ efforts would be more advantageous if she went to work for an elected official who desperately needs and wants to be insulated from the media, yet wishes to remain politically viable in an election year…like Metro Councilman Byron Sharper.

For the second time in as many years, Sharper has been accused of simple battery by a female who claims the District 7 representative made inappropriate advances towards her. In response, Sharper has effectively refuted the most recent charge by avoiding all contact with the media.

WBRZ reporter Claire Hatty tried to track him down like a bloodhound, but he proved as elusive as D.B. Cooper. She and her cameraman went to Sharper’s house, his office on Gus Young Avenue, and his downtown office on St. Louis Street. Each time, I kept waiting to hear from the other side of the door, “Dave’s not here, man.” Poor Claire knocked on so many doors, I hope her folks back in New Orleans don’t think she’s abandoned her Catholic roots in favor of becoming a Jehovah’s Witness.

I can only hope her employer starts a weekly feature like the one from the Today show a few years ago. I’m not an early riser, but I’d wake up before dawn to watch “Where in the World is Councilman Sharper?”