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Single Has No Expiration Date
Relationship RhetoricBy Scarlett Davis

Twenty-five. It is the age of the make or break. The line in the sand. The moment of final desperation. It's the marrying age in Baton Rouge.

OK, if you've been following along with me for the past year, you'll know that I've only been a Red Sticker for a full calendar year now. With that time has come a great deal of knowledge, pain, and revelation. I've been denied sex by an otherwise normal man, disappointed in bed, and left to crave, and now I have (hopefully) begun seeing someone truly extraordinary. Throughout all of this, one theme has resonated with me as I heard it echoed in each conversation: If you aren't married by the age of 25 in Baton Rouge, there must be something seriously wrong with you.

How can that be? Why is that the cut-off date? Who really believes this?



A few weeks ago, I frequented that same, favorite, Perkins overpass bar for some spectacular brass/funk music on a Wednesday night. The friends that joined me started joking around about their single status. Before you jump into, "Oh, what women talk about when they are alone," you should know that I was with two young, attractive men. (I know, why wasn't I "with" one of those men? I was thinking the same thing.) But they started talking about their respective dating lives and how they were in this state of limbo with almost every girl they'd taken out recently.

And then one of them said the most incredible thing: "Well, I've passed the 25-year mark, so chances are, I'm not getting married." What? When? Who? Why? How? Seriously?

When I was finally able to catch my breath and ask what he meant, he responded, "Well, if you're not married by 25 in this town, it means there's something wrong with you. You must be a freak or a burden on society. You're done for."

So this is my plea to Baton Rouge: Are you serious? Come the f–k on, B.R.! You can do better than that. The be all, end all of life doesn't have anything to do with a diamond ring and a stroll down the aisle. And why, why in the world does the cut-off for marriage fall at 25?

Just in case you think that this is a single instance of the 25 cut-off being used in casual conversation, I have another story that proves my point.

During one of my Friday lunches with a fabulous girl a few years older than me, the subject turned to an industry social event that she'd attended over the weekend. Most of the attendees, she said, were right around her age – all well educated, gainfully employed, social, normal beings. You get the point.

So there she was, walking around the room, drinking cocktails, trying to mingle. The night started with the typical, "Oh, where do you work?" opener. However, after only a few moments of conversation, she was asked, "So, are your kids here tonight, too?"

Wait; hold the train. This is a gathering of working professionals, all in the same industry. What ever happened to talking shop? Where's all the polite chatter about new clients, old clients, annoying interns, and the like? Come on, now.

The same thing struck her, but she played it cool and just responded with an, "Oh, I don't have children."

Their response: "Why not?"

Why not? Why not? What do you mean? Isn't it acceptable to not have children before you're 30?

OK, back on topic. She replied, "Because I'm not married."

Their response: "Why aren't you married?"

Again, what the f–k?

OK, so we were laughing, an awkward sort of laugh, but a laugh nonetheless, while she told this story. And her comment to sum it all up was, "Really, what do you expect a single person to say? If I knew why I wasn't married, I wouldn't be single!"

While I totally agree with her on that part, it still shouldn't matter. OK, now say you're in your 50s and you're not married. Then I might ask why not. Otherwise, there's no excuse for that kind of ignorance.

There also seems to be a lack of respect for the sheer fact that someone just may not want to get married. You know, the single life ain't all that bad. Friday night dates. Saturday afternoons free of soccer practice and ballet rehearsals. Sunday afternoons walking the lakes, enjoying the weather without worrying about having to make nice with your in-laws. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Now, if you're married, just take a minute and close your eyes. Inhale slowly. Exhale. Now think back, way back, to those days before you were married. Remember all that fun. Remember all the excitement. Remember all the freedom. It's a lovely picture, isn't it?

Don't get me wrong; I'm sure marriage is a wonderful, spectacular thing, but not everyone is meant to be married by a certain age. There is no cut-off date. There is no final call.

The really sad thing happens when we buy into that standard of marriage by a certain age. The most heartbreaking thing I've heard as of late is the story of a gorgeous girl in her late 20s who called a friend to announce her engagement.

The friend asked, "Wait; I thought you didn't love him."

The new fiancée’s explanation: "Well, I don't, but I figured, why not?"

Seriously, break my heart and make me gag all at the same time. I know that I talk about how difficult this all can be. I know I bitch and complain about the horrors of bad dates and bad sex, but really, really, this is going too far.

Baton Rouge, I have a request of you: Stop giving up on life. Stop settling. And really, stop demanding that people play into your standards just because they can be attributed to some ideal of the American way.

People aren't perfect and life doesn't follow a mold. Remember all that talk from your high school art teacher about how the beauty is in the imperfection. Remember how your parents once told you that it isn't loving the perfect parts but loving the whole person. Well, that's true of life, too.

It isn't enough to just settle for what's in front of you. Get up off your ass and live life by your own standards. Now, if that still gets you married by the age of 25, OK. Fine. Wonderful. But the next time you attend a cocktail party, don't abuse the single people by demanding to know why they haven't yet started to breed. It just makes you look sad and desperate to feel better about yourself.

And to everyone else out there approaching or over 25, don't buy in. You're better than that, and there's nothing wrong with you.

 

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This article was originally posted on May 02, 2008

 
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