Former BR Mayor Insists He’s Not Dead Yet

Metro Councilman Byron Sharper has proposed renaming a large stretch of Interstate 10 in Baton Rouge in honor of former Baton Rouge Mayor Tom Ed McHugh.

Under Sharper’s proposal, the Tom Ed McHugh Memorial Freeway, or “MF,” as proponents have dubbed it, would run from the Highland Road exit to the Mississippi River Bridge.

Meanwhile, McHugh issued a statement in which he vehemently declines the honor, insisting he is alive and well, working for the Louisiana Municipal Association.

Sharper said that, if the council approves, the “MF” designation could be made at very little expense, essentially requiring new signage along the highway.

Ribbon Magnet Turns Area Teen into Patriot

Episcopal High School junior Julie Faglin was transformed into a patriotic American in April after placing a magnetic “Support our Troops” ribbon decal on the rear of her 2007 Hyundai Santa Fe.

Faglin, who previously was unaware of her ardent support for U.S. foreign policy, told friends that her father bought the magnet at a nearby CVS Pharmacy.

“Now, everybody on the road can see proof of my patriotism,” she said of the decal. “It'll look so cute once Daddy buys me a fish emblem.”

Local Christian Group Demands Name Change for Ditch Witch

A Baton Rouge coalition of Christian church groups is calling on the local Ditch Witch^® franchise to “disassociate itself from a recognized symbol of the occult.”

The group, “People for More Godly Ditches,” also called on the Perry, Oklahoma-based company to choose a new logo, since the current one incorporates a broom-riding witch.

“The company name and signage is anti-Christian and anti-American. It’s not part of God’s plan in the digging of innocent trenches,” said Russ Franklin, pastor of Hosanna Missionary Church.

If Ditch Witch ignores the group’s demands, Franklin said, its members are prepared to call for picketing and a boycott. “That was how Christians got NBC to pull The Smurfs back in the ’80s,” he said.

Report: Downtown Version of “Bourbon Street” Would Require Tons of Excrement, Homeless

A report on creating a bawdy, French Quarter-like atmosphere in downtown Baton Rouge calls for saturating Third Street in vomit and human excrement.

The $165,000 study by KPMG International concludes, “While Third Street has the drunken patrons and violence, creating a genuine feel of Bourbon Street will require the smell of Bourbon Street.”

The report says that downtown Baton Rouge would need tons of urine, feces, and vomit, as well as dozens more prostitutes and homeless people, along Third Street. Downtown lounges also should consider charging obscenely priced one-drink minimums for admittance, the report says.

A spokesman for Mayor Kip Holden called the study results “disappointing” and acknowledged that Baton Rouge perhaps wasn’t ready for its own French Quarter.

This Month’s Guest Column:

That Guy on the ESPN Radio Show Said What Buddy Songy Was Talking About!

By Sterling Barles

Dude, did you hear “Mike and Mike” this morning? Aw, man, it was awesome!

Remember that one time last week when Buddy Songy had the guy on talking about how good the SEC is going to be next year? Well, I’m driving in this morning, and Greeny was trying to talk all this smack on the SEC. He says stuff like, “pound-for-pound, the league is not going to be what it’s been the past few years.”

Dude, then Golic was, like, “No way,” and totally cut him off. Golic gets in his face, talking about all the SEC coaches who’ve won national championships and how good we did in recruiting this year, and about how, besides Arkansas, we did pretty good in the bowl games. That’s exactly what the guy on Buddy Songy said!

You should’ve heard me. I was going down I-10 yelling, “Yeah! That’s what Buddy Songy said last week. Kick his ass, Golic! Kick Greeny’s ass!” Oh, man, it was awesome!

I’m going to call Buddy this afternoon and tell him how Golic fixed Greeny’s little red wagon. Listen for me. I call in as “Six Shooter.” I’m going to call in and tell Buddy how I heard that guy last week, and Golic said exactly what he said!

“Off the Wire” Corrections

“Rouzan” is not a French term meaning “next-door to crybabies.”

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

City Councilman Wayne Carter said that, although he enjoys country-music group Confederate Railroad, he does not prefer women just a little on the trashy side.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Los Latinos presionar “2” declarar Laurinda Calongne un perdedor.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.