On the night of April 13, the Denver Nuggets defeated the Houston Rockets by the score of 111-94. For Nuggets All-Star Carmelo Anthony, however, his 11 points on 3-for-11 shooting that night proved to be his worst game of the season.

He was evidently quite disappointed in his substandard effort, because hours later, the former Syracuse Orangeman was arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol. It seems that, in order to help alleviate distress stemming from a poor performance, Carmelo likes to get “Melo” in his car.

According to Denver Police, Anthony was arrested around 4am after he was spotted weaving through traffic while driving southbound on Interstate 25 with his high-beam headlights on. In the game against the Rockets, he may not have had too many drives down the lane, but while behind the wheel, he certainly shined while driving down several lanes.

A DUI traffic officer responded first, but when Anthony, who was alone at the time, became belligerent, that officer called his sergeant. Looks like “Melo” didn’t stay that way after getting pulled over.

While the gifted athlete had a poor performance on the court that night, he had an even worse performance in the wee hours of the morning that led to a court date of May 14. Denver Police Detective Sharon Hahn said Anthony failed a series of sobriety tests, and he was subsequently charged with DUI, taken to police headquarters, and ultimately released to a “sober responsible party” (which sounds like an extremely boring affair, we might add).

This incident hasn’t escaped fans of opposing teams. Instead of chanting “MVP” for Kobe Bryant, folks in Los Angeles’ Staples Center spontaneously began chanting “D-U-I” when Anthony stepped up to the foul line in game one of the playoff series between the Nuggets and Lakers. Ironically, many of those same fans drove home intoxicated after the game.

On an editorial note, we at Red Shtick Magazine must admit that we’ve had a little fun with Carmelo’s name. Of course, we’re still waiting for the Jazz’s Carlos Boozer to get arrested for DUI. Sadly, getting drunk in Utah is about as difficult as getting a traveling call in the NBA.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from March 24 – April 20, 2008.

10. Niagara H., 25, 1^st-offense DWI, failure to signal, and driver’s license not on person.

The vocal group TLC once had a hit song that implored listeners to refrain from chasing waterfalls. Niagara’s arresting officer apparently doesn’t listen to R&B music.

9. Daniel Patrick C., 19, 1^st-offense DWI, speeding, reckless operation of a vehicle, and possession of marijuana.

Danica Patrick just earned her first IRL win. Daniel Patrick just earned his first DWI by driving like Danica Patrick. Maybe he can get an endorsement deal from Go Daddy, too, but only if he’s as hot as she is.

8. Zachariah Ralph M., 25, 2^nd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, improper lane usage, failure to signal, careless driving, littering from a vehicle, and drinking in a motor vehicle.

When they named him, Zachariah Ralph’s parents evidently drew from two of the greatest sources of inspiration known to man: the Bible and Happy Days.

7. Stacie Elizabeth C., 21, 1^st-offense DWI, improper lane usage, speeding, reckless operation of a vehicle, possession of marijuana, possession of Xanax^®, possession of Adderall, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Man, what doesn’t this chick possess (besides a sense of responsibility)? No wonder every guy she’s ever dated says she’s got a possessive personality.

6. Wiley Rowe, 68, 3^rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

At 68 years of age, Mr. Rowe certainly is a “Wiley” veteran.

5. Jamie Lynn G., 31, 3^rd-offense DWI, possession of Schedule IV drugs, and driver’s license suspended or revoked.

Jamie Lynn may not be from Kentwood or have an older sister named Britney, but she sure knows how to party like a Spears.

4. Rachael Lynn H., 25, 3^rd-offense DWI, obstruction of a public passage, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

Rachael Lynn reportedly inspired an aspiring songwriter to begin composing a ditty about her hometown of Ethel, Louisiana. Unfortunately, he never finished it, because he couldn’t find a word that rhymed with “incarcerated.”

3. Barbara S., 49, 4^th-offense DWI, failure to maintain control, and open container in public.

First, there was incorporation. Now, from Central, comes intoxication. Ol’ Babs is certainly doing her part to help her hometown keep pace with Denham Springs’ 71% rise in DWI arrests last year.

2. Michael L., 53, 4^th-offense DWI, refusal to submit to a chemical test, reckless operation of a vehicle, and driver’s license suspended or revoked.

It’s little wonder why Michael didn’t want to take a chemical test. It’s been decades since he studied chemistry in high school. And besides, Lord knows, Louisiana public school graduates don’t score well on science tests.

1. Chase Alan R., 34, 4^th-offense DWI, license plate required, and proof of insurance required.

What an appropriate name for a four-time veteran of the BACS. Chase has undoubtedly made a police officer chase his ass on more than one occasion. Also, his defense lawyer probably views Chase as a bank.

Congratulations, Chase Alan. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.