I remember that June used to be a happy month when I was a kid. Then I grew up, and the veil was pulled from my eyes. June was an easy month for a kid: school let out and you began the lazy, day-to-day whatever of summer. As an adult, the kids still get out in June, except now they’re free to terrorize your neighborhood all day and run wild through Wal-Mart.

June also marks the beginning of hurricane season, as well as the first day of summer, and it has the longest daylight hours of the year. This month basically marks the time when Mother Nature decides to crap all over the state of Louisiana, and that old bag’s feces is hot, steamy, and full of mosquito larvae. So, what a perfect time to have a large number of outdoor weddings! Personally, I feel that, if you want me to attend your wedding in Louisiana in June, you should expect me to show up in shorts and sandals. I will happily wear a tie if required.

Hang on folks, it looks like it’s gonna be a bumpy month.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Now is the perfect time for you to come out of the closet in honor of the Stonewall riots that began June 28, 1969, and are seen as a catalyst to the changes slowly taking place in the field of gay and lesbian rights.

CANCER(June 21-July 22):The motto of the Philippines is “Maka-Diyos, Maka-tao, Makakalikasan, at Makabansa” (For God, For People, For Nature, and For Country) – useful if you’re there for Philippine Independence Day (June 12) or if you’re kidnapped and smuggled there as a sex slave.  You should probably start memorizing that now.

LEO(July 23-Aug. 22): Mosquitoes carry the viruses and parasites that cause a wide array of diseases such as malaria, elephantiasis, yellow fever, dengue fever, Rift Valley fever, epidemic polyarthritis, West Nile Virus, and several other varieties of encephalitis.  Think about that while you receive the first of what are to be many, many bites over the course of the summer.

VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Prepare to spend a little time in jail after accidentally setting Old Glory on fire on June 14 – that’s Flag Day here in the U.S. Although, if you were visiting from another country, you might think it was every day in the world of redneck pickups and soccer mom-driven SUVs.

LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22):Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band was released in June of 1967.  Celebrate by smoking pot and growing a creepy moustache.

SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21):The first drive-in movie theater opened June 6, 1933, in New Jersey; take a loved one to the backseat to honor the occasion.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):Start digging that bomb shelter now, folks: June 9, 1959, saw the launch of the United States’ first ballistic missile submarine, thus setting us on the path to mutually assured annihilation.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):The Secret Service was organized in June of 1778.  Let them know you appreciate their hard work by sending your friends emails tinged with the words “assassinate,” “drugs,” “bomb,” “smuggle,” “anarchy,” or “terrorism.” I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to stop by and thank you for your acknowledgment.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):June 15 is Father’s Day. What, you forgot? I should have expected as much. When are you going to grow up and take a little responsibility for yourself? I fell out of my mother and right into a new suit and a desk job. Still working on that screenplay there, Hemingway?

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): While you stay home this summer and stare at the gas-empty vehicle in your driveway, you can reflect on the U.S. Patent Office’s decision to grant a patent to the plans for a gas-driven vehicle back in June of 1895.

ARIES(Mar. 21-Apr. 19):Expect to spend a few days talking like Donald Duck after accidentally pounding a glass of misplaced bleach. Just tell everyone you’re celebrating his birthday (June 9).

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Enjoy your new replacement Teflon^® kneecap, courtesy of national Go Skateboarding Day (June 21).