To borrow a phrase from Saturday Night Live’s Seth Meyers, this month’s BACS honorable mention accomplished a veritable “trifecta.” As a result of a DWI arrest, a New York City Congressman has not only admitted that he has been having an extramarital affair with a divorcee, but he also has a 3-year-old love child.

Rep. Vito Fossella, a Republican from Staten Island, was arrested in Alexandria, Virginia at 12:15 a.m. on May 1 after he was spotted running a red light. When police pulled him over, he reportedly had a “strong smell of alcohol.”

Before stumbling and struggling with the alphabet during roadside sobriety tests, Fossella told the cops he had two or three glasses of wine a couple of hours before. According to a waiter at a Washington bar, however, Vito had more than just a little vino.

The New York Daily News published an account that the 43-year-old congressman and a friend appeared to be stumbling drunk and “incapable of driving” at Logan’s Tavern around 10 p.m. earlier that evening. That might explain why his blood alcohol level was measured to be .17 percent, more than twice the legal limit.

Fossella, who has three children with his wife Mary Pat, told the officers that he was rushing to Grimm Drive because his daughter was sick and had to go to the hospital. Grimm Drive just happens to be the street on which retired Air Force lieutenant colonel Laura Fay resides. Also, Fay just so happens to be the woman who picked him up from jail seven hours later.

During his apology at a news conference the next day, Fossella failed to mention his claim of a sick daughter. Instead, he said he was heading “to visit some friends” when he was pulled over. Those must be really awesome friends to make a stone-drunk, six-term congressman blow through a red light.

Gradually, the media grew increasingly curious about the sick daughter discrepancy (police reports are still public record), as well as the relationship between Fossella and Fay. After a week of intense scrutiny, the family-values Bush supporter finally relented and acknowledged what many had suspected.

“I have had a relationship with Laura Fay, with whom I have a three-year-old daughter,” Fossella admitted in a prepared statement emailed to reporters. “My personal failings and imperfections have caused enormous pain to the people I love and I am truly sorry.”

Sure, he’s sorry, but not as sorry as the GOP. They’ve had plenty of misery with congressional campaigns so far in 2008. As the only Republican congressman representing the Big Apple, Fossella’s colossal screwup and subsequent decision to not seek reelection this fall have made an already crappy year even crappier.

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked for suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from April 21 – May 25, 2008.

10. Ghandi Berque George B., 37, 1^st-offense DWI, driver’s license not on person, and parking where prohibited.

Gandhi said, “We must be the change we want to see in the world.” Ghandi Berque said, “Get me another beer.”

9. Kerbert Kenta N., 29, 1^st-offense DWI, child restraints required, drinking in a motor vehicle, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

It’s Kerbert Kenta, not Kunta Kinte. And don’t even think about calling him Toby.

8. Andrew Robert L., 19, 1^st-offense DWI, speeding 85 mph in a 45-mph zone, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

It’s true. Guys Andrew’s age do everything fast.

7. Tara Lynn P., 40, 1^st-offense DWI, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle, license plate required, inspection sticker, driver’s license not on person, and domestic abuse/battery.

InGone with the Wind, Tara didn’t burn. Tara Lynn, on the other hand, is a fiery hothead.

6. Jason Anthony B., 22, 1^st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, disobeying a red light, possession of Schedule II drugs, possession of Schedule III drugs, and possession of Schedule IV drugs.

In baseball, the triple is typically the most difficult part of the cycle to attain. In Jason’s case, it was the single. Since pot is a Schedule I drug, maybe he should’ve laid down a blunt.

5. Bryan Mitchell C., 23, 3^rd-offense DWI, parking on a sidewalk, and reckless operation of a vehicle.

Borrowing from Midnight Star: “No parking, Bryan. No parking on the sidewalk.”

4. Terry B., Jr., 29, 2^nd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, failure to report an accident, illegal possession of stolen things, driver’s license suspended or revoked, simple burglary, theft, and auto theft.

Identities, cars, and even elections can be stolen. The Judge Don Johnson Trophy, however, has to be earned. Sorry, Terry.

3. Willie Joseph Y., 29, 3^rd-offense DWI, refusal to submit to a chemical test, reckless operation of a vehicle, driver’s license suspended or revoked, insurance required, possession of drug paraphernalia, and possession of marijuana.

If only Willie Joseph’s arresting officer had tried to administer a standardized aptitude test instead of a chemical test, perhaps the Walker resident would have gladly submitted to it. Lord knows, those folks in Livingston know how to pass a LEAP test.

2. Jonathan Stanley S., 24, 4^th-offense DWI, speeding, expired motor vehicle inspection, open-container violation, and driver’s license suspended or revoked.

Jonathan is 24 and has four DWIs to his credit. By the time he turned 24, Tiger Woods only had half as many major championships. What a pussy.

1. Darryl Darnell C., 31, 6^th-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and disobeying a red light.

Anytime you need two hands to count a person’s DWI offenses, there’s a good chance he’ll be the winner of the Judge Don Johnson Trophy.

Congratulations, Darryl Darnell. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply pick up a copy of Red Shtick and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.