The Great Big Story

“Yeah, you like that, don’t you, bitch?” ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson asked in June. “You like what Big Daddy’s got down there, don’t you?”

Tillerson, who has headed the nation’s most profitable corporation since 2006, roughly grabbed you around the waist, ordering that ass to shake while “Big Daddy gives it to you good.”

Tillerson elaborated on his arousal from a string of quarterly revenue records and double-digit profit increases, thanks to you, Lover.

“You like showing me those big margins,” he said. Yeah, Tillerson commanded, show him those big beautiful margins, you randy whore.

He concluded by disclosing that fellow executives from Chevron-Texaco, Royal Dutch Shell, and ConocoPhillips are coming over later for a little group action.

“Don’t let Big Daddy down when his friends come over,” Tillerson said. “You’re gonna take it.”

Man with Laptop Kicked Out of Waffle House

A laptop-toting man was kicked out of the Siegen Lane Waffle House in June after fellow patrons complained he was viewing Baton Rouge native Jeff Opdyke’s Wall Street Journal blog.

Restaurant manager Lillie Mae Haynes said that, after confronting 27-year-old architect David Nilsch, he admitted he’d been reading Opdyke’s adroitly written posts on his family’s recent move to Hong Kong.

“He was just sitting right in that booth with his computer, drinking coffee like he was at Starbuck’s or something,” Haynes said of Nilsch. “There were two old people with their grandkids right next to him, and he never even batted an eyelash when they asked him to stop.”

Haynes said she obtained Nilsch’s address from his fancy-pants debit card and was still considering whether to press charges.

Cox to Launch “Cool” New Internet Flavors

ATLANTA – Hey, surfers: Get ready for “Very Digital Berry” and “Mango Mint Mega-Bite,” two radical new internet flavors available starting in August, Cox Communications announced.

“This is the totally rad way to surf the internet,” said Cox president and CEO Patrick J. Esser. “Never before have high-speed internet subscribers had so many flavors to help stay cool during the summer.”

The newest offerings join a palate of flavors already available to Cox customers, including Bubble Baud Blitz and TCP/IPiña Colada. Esser cautioned, however, that some customers may experience brief disruptions in service while the flavors are uploaded to mainframe servers.

point COUNTERPOINT

point…

Trick Play Controversy Proves College Baseball Needs Replay

Ed Trinchell,

Internet entrepreneur,

Dulac

I love the way ESPN calls it “controversial.”

You want controversy? Study communism or prayer in public schools. This wasn’t even close to controversial. It was the wrong call.

If you saw it like the other, I don’t know, 7,000 of us, D.J. LeMahieu was called out in the opening game in LSU’s Super Regional playoff with Cal-Irvine on the old hidden-ball trick play. The problem was that LeMahieu clearly had made it back to base before the alleged tag.

Now, this has nothing to do with my team getting the short end of the call. This has nothing to do with a potentially different ending to the ball game with the better team not advancing. This is about video replay being available and being able to correct an errant call. Everybody in the stands was watching it on their cell phones. It was clear as the nose on your face.

College football took years to get the hint about using replays to overturn erroneous, potentially game-changing officiating. Here’s hoping college baseball doesn’t take as long.

Geaux Tigers!

COUNTERPOINT…

Dude, This One Time I Pulled a Three-way with Eli Manning

Trev McAdams,

Cashier,

New Iberia

Maybe it was … was it Eli? What’s his … What’s the brother’s name? Hector?

Hey! Whoa, wazzup, bro’?

Nah, listen. [Inaudible.] We had … were drinking hardcore … I mean juiced like a major leaguer. Started tailgating at 7 on … Bro’, when was it? Dude, we were in the parking lot, like, last week, OK? Seriously.

So, me and Jay Boy, we’re just cooling out, right? Awesome day, man. We got thrown out of Walk-On’s. Yeah, they bounced us right on our asses, man. So Eli’s in town that weekend for … to cheer … the Mississippi State game’s team.

Bro’, was it Eli? [Belch.] The other dude’s name is Haskins? Or Hazelwood? Dumbo? Some sh–t like that. F–k dude, I don’t know.

So this chick passes … hot … they’re like out to here, bro’. And she’s like … you’re Eli Manning … or his brother. And her [inaudible] … The thing on her is, like …

Oh, man. Oh, dude. Dude, I’m gonna puke. Help me to the toilet, bro’. Hold my beer.

Quicklist

The five worst striptease songs:

5. “Disco Duck”

4. “California Dreamin’”

3. “Pac-Man Fever”

2. “Classical Gas”

1. “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”

Source: The guy in the back corner of Top Cats.

This Month’s Guest Columnist:

Elder Josiah Maynard,

Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

SAN ANGELO, Texas – Thank you, America. The Land of the Free destroyed my family. You took my children. You made my wives cry. And if you think your wife is a pain in the ass, try five.

You should’ve heard them. Rebecca, Sue Ann, Ginger Leigh, and Loretta were bawling their eyes out, begging me to do something. Little Charlene – she’s barely 14 and nursing a 2-month-old – had just started working again.

The sheriff’s deputies showed up and took everybody away. But now they’re telling me I have to take them back!

Do you know how much peace and quiet there’s been in the compound since they left? Do you know what it’s like being able to crack open a beer, eat Taco Bell, and not have 11 snot-nosed little kids and their whining mamas telling me I’m the Devil incarnate?

I can watch Cinemax. I can fire up a fatty when I want to. Hell, I even broke out my Uriah Heep albums I have to keep hidden under the apocalypse stockpile.

Look, I found a way to feed my family off the armpit of this God-forsaken state. Then one day Sheriff Jerk-off rides in here with guns and body armor, telling me I’m a deviant. Well, guess what, cowboy? If I’m part of a cult and a molester, then the women and children are your problem now.

Take them back? Nah, I don’t think so. This is what’s going to happen: The sheriff is going to litigate his way out of the crack his ass fell into, and I’m going to play Demons and Wizards ’til the woofers fall out.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

Jim Hawthorne has never called LSU games in clown makeup.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

Senator Barack Obama did not propose changing the national anthem to “Boot Scootin’ Boogie.”

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.

You left your keys in the bathroom, not on the kitchen counter.

“Off the Wire” regrets the error.