Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood’s mother said to her, “Little Red Riding Hood, soon I will have an operation that will make me look very different.”

“But Mommy, I don’t want you to look different,” said Little Red Riding Hood.

“Oh, Little Hood,” (she sometimes called her “Little Hood” for short), “let me show you something.” She picked up Little Red Riding Hood’s Barbie™ doll.

“You like the way your Barbie looks, don’t you?”

“Oh, yes, Mommy, Barbie is very pretty.”

“Well, after Mommy’s surgery, Mommy will look more like Barbie, but with Angelina Jolie’s lips.”

“But you’re already the prettiest Mommy in the whole wide world,” replied Little Red Riding Hood, “and besides, isn’t there a certain amount of risk associated with any surgery?”

“Now, Little Hood, there’s a certain amount of risk in everything we do each and every day! Why, you could walk out of the front door tomorrow and be eaten by the wicked wolf that lives in the forest! But we’re not going to let that stop us from sending you to Grandma’s house alone, are we? No! Otherwise, the wolf would win!”

“But Mom, you look fine now! What if the cosmetic surgery makes you look like a freak!”

“Little Hood, do you know what the word ‘vain’ means?”

“You mean like a vein where your blood is?”

“No, my Little Hood, that’s a ‘vein.’ Mommy is ‘vain’ with an ‘a’ instead of an ‘e,’ which means that no matter how pretty Mommy is, Mommy is too insecure to be happy with the way Mommy looks. So, Mommy needs to have the surgery to make Mommy happy! Don’t you want Mommy to be happy?”

“Oh, Mommy, how shallow you are!”

“That’s enough of this shallow talk! Mommy has made up her mind and that’s that. Mommy will have her augmentation procedures done, and even though Mommy will look different, deep down inside, I’ll still love you as much as any shallow Mommy can! Now take this piece of cake to your grandmother who lives in the woods, for she is sick and weak. By the time you get back, you’ll have a brand-new Mommy!”

“But Mom, is this a good time to be getting a boob job, when Grandma is sick? And besides, there are reports of intense wolf activity in the forest!”

“Never mind, child. Now run off so you’ll reach Grandma’s house before dark. And remember, don’t talk to any strange wolves on the way there.”

So Little Red Riding Hood reluctantly set off through the woods to visit her grandmother, while her mother had her lips and breasts “enhanced,” her tummy “tucked,” and her face “rejuvenated.”

When Little Hood’s mother returned home from the hospital, her lips were so big they looked like they had been attacked by a swarm of killer bees! And her face was so tight she couldn’t move her head in any direction without a tearing sound coming from behind her ears! And her boobs were so large she was having trouble walking because of their enormous weight.

Little Red Riding Hood’s mother was unaware that she was being watched by the wicked wolf, who was thinking to himself, “What huge, plump breasts and succulent, fat lips! She will be much better to eat than the old grandma! I must act quickly if I am to catch both her and Little Red Riding Hood.” So the wolf knocked on the door.

“Who dere?” Little Red Riding Hood’s mother replied. (She was having trouble speaking with her new lips.)

“Little Red Riding Hood,” replied the wolf. “I’ve returned from Grandmother’s house. Open the door.”

“Lif da hatch,” called Red Riding Hood’s mother, “U’m doo weak fwom maw cosmewic sujawaa da gut up.”

So the wolf lifted the hatch, the door sprang open, and without saying a word, he went straight for Red Riding Hood’s mother and devoured her. Then he put on her clothes and cap, stuffed sofa cushions in his dress to make it look like he had big boobs, and laid himself in bed.

When Little Red Riding Hood returned home from her grandmother’s, she was surprised to see the cottage door open. She went to her mother’s room and saw her in bed with her cap pulled down far over her face. “How very strange Mother looks,” thought Little Red Riding Hood, “but Mother did say that she would look very different after the surgery.” She approached her mother’s bed.

“Oh, Mother, what big ears you have! You didn’t say anything about them doing anything to your ears!”

“The better to hear you with, my child.”

“Oh, Mother, what a flat tummy you have!”

“The better to squeeze you close, my child.”

“Oh, Mother, what big boobs you have!”

“My child, if you think my boobs are big, you should see the size of my lips!”

“Oh, Mother, what big, full lips you must have, indeed! Lift your cap so I can see them!”

When the wolf pulled up the cap to show his ugly wolf face, Little Red Riding Hood gasped.

“Mother! Your face rejuvenation has come out worse than Priscilla Presley’s! You look hideous!”

Scarcely had Little Red Riding Hood spoken those words when a wave of nausea overcame the wolf, for in the process of eating Riding Hood’s mother, he had punctured one of her implants, and the leaking silicone made him so violently ill that he threw up Riding Hood’s mother, who sprang out screaming.

“Ya tupid bastad, luuk what ya did da ma impwant!” And she grabbed a lamp and bludgeoned the evil wolf till he lay bleeding and lifeless on her bed.

A passing huntsman, overhearing the commotion, ran into the house to find the dead wolf, Little Red Riding Hood, and her tight-faced, fat-lipped momma, brandishing her one, lone, gargantuan breast.

“Let me take you to live with me in the woods,” he said to Little Red’s mother, “where you will be shielded from the cruel mockery you will otherwise suffer because of your ghastly disfigurement and yaw awfal peech impwedament.”  And he took her to live with him in his cabin in the deepest, darkest part of the forest, and they lived happily ever after, for the forest was very dark, and he could scarcely see her lopsided chest or repulsive lips or face, not even on an exceptionally bright and sunny day, for it was on those days that he put a leaf bag over her head.