When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions. Thus spat William Shakespeare, or as I like to call him, Billy Shakes. Yes, we’ve seen a plethora of different interpretations (and yes, el Guapo, I know what a plethora is) of different plays and whatnots. Macbeth as post-apocalyptic mafia drama? Been there. Taming of the Shrew as a high-school teen romance? Done that. King Lear as a samurai epic set in feudal Japan? Got the T-shirt.

Well, we've seen all of this and more, thanks to the world's (arguably) greatest playwright, the (inarguably) preeminent dramatist and (most definitely) dead writer. What we haven't seen much of is Disney's take on these tales. Fret not, true believer. The House of Mouse will be turning its rodential talents to turning tales of tragedy and comedy into entertaining, animated, family features. And since CGI is the way to go, expect snazzy animation for these time-honored tales.

“But Jimmy!” you might be saying, “Aren't there scenes of murder and sex and other references to depravity all throughout the Bard's works?” And I would answer: “Why, yes! Yes, there are!” But you know, kids gotta learn sometime.

Don't worry; taking a clue from video game censoring, we won't be seeing much blood in this new generation of Disney movies. When Nintendo released the ultra-gory game Mortal Kombat^® for its home system, instead of the slatherings of blood evident in the arcade version, opponents knocked gallons and gallons of sweat out of each other. Sketchy, but not nearly as offensive. In the video game Viva Piñata™, the little creatures, since they are piñatas, spill out candy when you whack them repeatedly with your shovel. Why such an ostensibly kid-friendly game would allow you to hit cute little creatures with your shovel in the first place is beyond me, but … tomayto, tomahto: One man's rusty knife is another's sterling instrument of death.

Anyway, back to the Disney thing.  So, in the big scene where Brutus and the other conspirators stab Julius Caesar 40 times, instead of looking like a well-choreographed scene from Lizzy Borden: The Musical, it'll be a bunch of chipmunks knocking a bunch of acorns over a squirrel's head, and the blood will be replaced by cotton candy. The raccoon known as Marc Anthony will eulogize the dead emperor as he lies in a nice, carnival-pink cloud of the spun, sugary goodness. ”I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him!! Mmm, his blood is so tasty and sweet!”

Yeah, I don't think the Motion Picture Association will have a problem giving that a G rating, do you?

Anyone who has seen the old animated picture Watership Down will know the kind of things we'll be seeing.  Seas boiling, forty years of darkness.  Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! MASS HYSTERIA!!

But I do look forward to other adaptations of the good Mr. Shakespeare's works.  Imagine, if you will, a Hamlet featuring hamsters, Othello with sheep (the Moor of Venice would, of course, be the black sheep of the picture), or, even better, Romeo and Juliet with the Capulets as pigs and the Montagues as frogs. Come to think of it, they should do that as a Muppet movie.

Hmmm … note to self: call Alyssa Milano. Sorry, that last note wasn't really relevant. But I'm still going to do it.

And with celebrity voices like Josh Brolin, Kiefer Sutherland, Brigitte Nielsen, and the Bayou State’s own Britney Spears, along with a number of other people who've been in jail or rehab, Disney will once again own the box office.

Well, that's enough for now; tune in next month, when Turkey Day takes on a whole new meaning in my report on the new version of Henry V.