So now, at long last, the election is over. It seems like only yesterday that Mike Huckabee won the Louisiana presidential primary and all the Republican delegates pledged their support to John McCain.

But for me, it’s not over, because I’m actually writing this article a week and a half before the election. That’s because, at Red Shtick Magazine, just like any other magazine, we have a deadline to get our columns in, which is two weeks before the magazine comes out. This gives the editor enough time, during the first week of the two-week interim, to remind all the writers that their articles are past due, which allows the writers the rest of the first week to actually writetheir columns. And then there’s the second week, when the editor edits the articles and gets the thing printed.

These deadlines sometime make it difficult to write about important historical events which, technically speaking, have not actually happened yet, such as, in my case, the outcome of the 2008 presidential election. Notice, I said difficult, but not impossible:

Results ofthe 2008 Presidential Election

To [everyone’s/no one’s] surprise, Senator [John McCain/Barack Obama] was declared the winner of the 2008 presidential election. Many political analysts [attribute/blame] McCain’s [victory/defeat] [to/on] McCain’s negative campaign, which in the week prior to November 4 became increasingly negative, such as this McCain/Palin ad that appeared on billboards across the country:

NOTOBAMA FOR PRESIDENT! NO! NO! NO!

One political expert was quoted as saying, “This negative campaigning was a real [turn-off/turn-on] for many voters.”

On Election Day, Florida was once again the center of controversy, as was the case in the 2000 presidential election.  Although Florida’s archaic “chad” method of voting was abolished after the 2000 election, it was replaced by another unique form of paper balloting – the paper airplane vote. Voting precincts became scenes of airborne chaos as “Obama/Biden” and “McCain/Palin” airplanes filled the air, prompting charges that some planes were being counted twice and others not counted at all.  McCain, a former naval aviator himself, commented that he saw nothing wrong with this voting method, as long as the Secretary of State of Florida declared him the winner.

Finally, in order to avert a constitutional crisis, the election was placed in the hands of the Electoral College for a final decision. After the vote of the Electoral College was announced, President George W. Bush was quick to congratulate the winner. “It is fitting that the future leadership of America has been chosen by the future electricians of our great country.”

The 2008 campaign produced many colorful characters, such as “Joe Six-Pack” and “Joe the Plumber,” who, according to my sources, are, in reality, one and the same person. “Joe” is often used to describe the normal, everyday guy, i.e., the “average Joe.”

If you want to be considered as more than just an average person, you don’t want to be called Joe. For example, you never hear Jesus’ father being called “Joe the Carpenter,” just as you never hear Bill Gates referred to as “Billy the Billionaire” – although, if I had as much money as Gates, I would insist on being called “William.”

Joe Wurzelbacher, who gained national fame as “Joe the Plumber” because “Joe Wurzelbacher” is too hard to pronounce, went ahead with his plans to buy a plumbing company for $250,000 after the election. Remarkably, under [Obama’s/McCain’s] tax plan, Joe paid absolutely no taxes on the acquisition, because under [Obama’s/McCain’s/Everybody Else in the Universe’s] income tax plan, you only pay income taxes when you makemoney, not when you spendit, which accounts for Joe’s other nickname, “Joe the Dumbass.”

Contrary to the predictions of the [McCain/Obama] campaign, [Obama/McCain] did not [make Spanish the national language/change the national anthem from “The Star-Spangled Banner” to the fight song of the University of Wisconsin Badgers], nor did [Obama/McCain] [grant U.S. citizenship to Osama Bin Laden/appoint Barbie™ to the U.S. Supreme Court].

Meanwhile, back in the little town of Wasilla, Alaska, the other Joe, “Joe Six-Pack,” was being assured by the Palin family that, despite the election [loss/victory], nothing had changed, and he was still welcome to drop by the Palin home every night, like always, to sit around the kitchen table, have “a couple of beers,” and “shoot the bull.” Actually, when Joe says he’s coming over for “a couple” of beers, what he actually means is “six,” hence his name, “Joe Six-Pack.” And when he says he’s coming over to “shoot the bull,” what he really means is “shoot the bull moose,” which, during mating season, become so reckless that you can shoot them from your kitchen window.

These nightly visits to the Palin household began several years ago, when Joe, an utter stranger, wandered through the Palins’ unlocked door, sat down at the kitchen table, and commenced drinking the Palins’ beer. To this day, the Palins don’t even know Joe’s last name, but Sarah, ever “Miss Congeniality,” has never questioned Joe about his nightly visits, and would certainly never think of asking him to bring his own beer.

Those nights spent with Joe at the kitchen table, drinking beer and listening to Joe’s dreams and aspirations, have made a permanent impression on Sarah Palin.

JOE: I’m no different than any other white male over the age of 40, Sarah.  I just want to make as much money as possible and not pay any income taxes. Got another beer?

SARAH: You betcha, Joe, but try not to spit when you talk. You’re spraying Schaefer^® Light all over my Valentino jacket. (She hands him another beer.) But Joe, how will we pay for Iraq if everybody gets a tax cut? Iraq is God’s will!

JOE: Then let God pay for Iraq.

SARAH: But Joe, with Iraq, and Afghanistan, and the federal bailout, our children and our children’s children will be paying for this huge debt we’re running up!

JOE: Then stop having children.

SARAH: But Joe, if we keep borrowing money from the Chinese, sooner or later, they’ll want their money, and I read in a magazine that there’s billions of Chinese, Joe, like there’s one Chinese person for every dollar that we owe them, and one day they’ll come for their money, billions of Chinese debt collectors, filling the sky like locusts, and it will be Armageddon, like in the Book of Revelations!

JOE:(Belch!)

Of course, the only way the government can pay for the cost of wars and bailouts is through taxes, but nobody likes to pay taxes. Senator Russell Long, a revered tax expert during his many years in the U.S. Senate, was fond of saying: “Don’t tax you, don’t tax me, tax the man behind the tree.”

Is that Joe the Plumber behind the tree? No, more likely, it’s Joe Six-Pack, who has stopped to relieve himself on his way home from the Palins’.  Those Alaskan nights get awfully cold this time of year. Let’s hope that all of Joe’s important extremities make it home unfrostbitten.