With one week remaining in the regular session, the hot topic for senators was LSU tickets for legislators! Not only do they get to give themselves raises, but they also get free tickets to sporting events. What a great country. People who have been lifelong LSU fans, people who truly do bleed purple and gold, can’t get a ticket; students of LSU can’t get tickets; but a senator can get free tickets and then have the balls to complain about it!

Senator Rob Marionneaux, D-Grosse Tete, got his 2 FREE tickets, and then whined on the Senate floor about how he got bad seats. I’ve got news for you folks: there is no such thing as a bad seat when you get it for free. One of my sources at the Capitol told me that he was “blubbering like a little girl” in the restroom.

When this story was revealed in the newspaper, Marionneaux did just what was expected of him: he threw a temper tantrum. He wanted to have all reporters moved out of the Senate Chamber. He did have a compelling argument for their removal: “Whine, cry, pout, blah, blah, blah, blah, whine, cry…why should the people get to know what we are doing…whine, cry, pout, blah, blah, blah, blah, whine, cry.”

He wanted to know why, with all the other things going on in the world, that had to be a headline. I can answer that: BECAUSE WITH ALL THAT’S GOING ON IN THE WORLD, THIS IS WHAT YOU PICKED TO CRY ABOUT! You spent as much time arguing that the press shouldn’t be reporting on what you do as you spent on the SCHOOL SYSTEM BUDGET! I guess it’s only appropriate that the senator is from Grosse Tete, which translates from French literally as Fat Head.

Doesn’t Add Up

Oyster farmers have offered to settle a lawsuit with the state for $243.6 million. This settlement offer came AFTER the farmers WON a $1.3 million dollar judgment. I guess that’s why they are oyster farmers and not accountants.

Crime in the Streets

Senators also tackled a major issue of crime running rampant in our streets. It is now a crime to play basketball, or football, or another game that might put you into the street. Apparently, people were getting hit because they wouldn’t move out of the way of cars, and some drivers didn’t think those who were moving out of the way were moving fast enough.

When I was just a little Bruno, my friends and I played street football all the time. Our basketball court went into the street, because there wasn’t enough room in the driveway. Do you really need a law to prevent stupidity? If the kids don’t move then they will learn an important life lesson. If the drivers can’t wait for the kids to walk to the side of the street, perhaps they are a little too tense to be driving.

Gossip, Rumors, and Hearsay (DC Edition)

I heard that the REAL reason Governess Blanco didn’t attend the commencement ceremony at LSU had to do with an incident between herself and the president in a coatroom at a White House function. It seems that he never returned her calls after that little “run in.”

The White House held a ceremony to unveil the presidential portrait of Bill Clinton. The word is that President Clinton was upset that his idea for the portrait was rejected. He wanted the picture to depict him leaning against his El Camino, and he wanted it done in velvet.

The jury is still out on whether or not John Kerry is actually Herman Munster. The similarities have experts stumped, and they say they need more time to analyze the data. Pollsters say that, if Kerry is found not to be the loveable TV icon, he will lose the little support that he had.

Downtown Bruno is a really nosy guy who likes to keep his ear to the ground, usually because he’s falling-down drunk offa too much Jager.