It’s happened. The commercialism bug has reached beyond the pull of Earth’s gravitational field and is folding its warm, pecuniary embrace over the red planet of Mars. (The irony of capitalism on a “red” planet did not pass me by.) It seems that one of the world’s largest beverage companies is eager to land its Georgia-based claws in the fine clay of that rust-colored planet. Not only that, they want to put a big celebrity on the mission and make a big Super Bowl-size commercial out of it.

Coca-Cola, the largest producer of beverages and beverage-like products in the world, will be slathering their name all over the first manned mission to Mars. Look for a big advertising push to go along with it, as there will be a lot of capital invested in this little campaign. I’ve heard upwards of a billion dollars will be handed over to NASA for this little outing. And that’s just to get the ship out there.

What does all this have to do with Hollywood? I’m glad you asked! First off, Coke is pushing to have celebrity endorsement aboard. We’re talking Academy Award-winner, Diet Coke-happy-bubbles-commercial star, asymmetrical-nose-having Adrien Brody. Yes, that Adrien Brody.

But wait, there’s more! Who’s the hottest little gal in Hollywood? Well, that’s arguable, so let me narrow it down. Who’s dating Mandy Moore’s ex, Wilmer Valderrama, and is now getting in the ballpark of 8 million clams per picture? Freaky Friday…Mean Girls… that’s right! Lindsay Lohan!! Sure, she’s only 18, but what young girl wouldn’t want to represent her entire planet and Coca-Cola to a race of canal-digging little green men?

Coke’s plan is impressive. Imagine the publicity when a teen sensation and an Oscar winner report from a zero-gravity environment, detailing what it’s like to be on the way to Mars and also how great Coca-Cola is. I even imagine Coke-owned Powerade will have some kind of “Power of Mars” energy flavor for their line-up. But the coup de grace will most definitely be the landing. The first steps on the red planet. Everyone in creation knows that the first words uttered on the moon were Neil Armstrong’s, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” (Rumor has it Neil Armstrong almost said, “I’m a small man with a big…” — but I digress.) Theory on what the pair might say ranges from:

Adrien: “That sure was a long trip. I sure could go for a drink.”

Lindsay: “How about a Coke?”

to possibly:

Adrien: “Earth. Mars. It doesn’t matter: Always Coca-Cola.”

or:

Lindsay: “Oh S#!*!! Martians!!”

or even:

Adrien: “Where’s the kaboom? There’s supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom.”

or, finally:

Lindsay: “COKE IS IT!”

Proven Sitcom Formula Being Expanded by the Networks

An incompetent, usually fat, father figure. A sexy wife with legs for days. Children with at least one huge social difficulty. It’s a formula that we’ve seen again and again. Starting with “The Honeymooners” (though they were barren in the offspring department), continuing with “The Flinstones,” “The Simpsons,” and recent developments such as “King of Queens” and “The George Lopez Show,” the formula has been the go-to recipe for prime-time success.

So, this season, look for Paul Prudhomme to star with Charisma Carpenter (Playboy, June 2004: mmmm…tasty). Their kids will be played by Macaulay Culkin (of Home Alone fame), Verne Troyer (“Mini-me” from the Austin Powers movies), and Hillary Duff (‘cause you always need a babe of a daughter). The name of the show will be “Dad’s Cookin’ but Mama’s Hot.” Look for it this fall on ABC.

Heart-wrenching Drama Now Hitting the Virtual World?

Haven’t you ever wanted to take the sorrowful hospital scene in Terms of Endearment and live it out in 60-frames-per-second, 1024-color glory on your Playstation? How about the demented wonder of A Beautiful Mind on your 733-MHz X-Box? Nah, me neither.

I will see y’all soon. Keep your eyes on the prize.

If you wanna know where the stars be goin', ask Jimmy Faux – he be knowin'!