Dear Joann,

I’m struggling with whether or not I should engage in a relationship with this guy I know. Well, actually, I know I shouldn’t, but I really have feelings for him, and I think he has feelings for me, too.

The problem is this…he’s married. I know, I know; it’s a slutty thing to do, not to mention the whole Ten Commandments thou-shalt-burn-in-hell-for-adultery thing. I’m just so drawn to him! We seem to have this amazing connection!

Not that it justifies anything, but his marriage is really crappy. They’ve been married for a decade or more and they fight a lot. They both seem to want a divorce, but neither seems to want to be the one to initiate the proceedings because of legal matters.

He’s a pretty prominent man in certain circles because of his profession, so everything would have to be on the utmost down low. Not that we’d be putting an ad in the paper if he weren’t so well known, but you get the picture.

The thing is this: I know it’s wrong, but I think I love him. Do I deny my feelings of love because he hasn’t gotten an official divorce? Or do I proceed discreetly as long as no one gets hurt?

Lost in Love

P.S. – I know you write for a comedy magazine, but I’m taking this seriously.

It’s good that you’re taking this seriously, because it is serious. For starters, let’s just toss out the whole “against the laws of God and man” shtick. I’m not saying that those reasons aren’t valid, but honestly, if we always abstained from doing things just because they were morally, ethically, or religiously wrong, we would all be wonderfully happy automatons with no need for a conscience. And, more importantly, we wouldn’t have wonderful things like Jerry Springer and masturbation.

Moving on, it is not possible for something like this to go on without someone getting hurt, and you know who’s most at risk? You are. If your feelings for him are as strong as you’ve indicated they are, you’re more than likely in for a world of hurt.

What most young ladies (and young men, respectively) don’t understand is the importance of being with someone whose time belongs to him/her. To clarify, I shall pose a question. How are you going to feel when the love of your life gets tied up with family affairs for weeks on end and can’t make it for a rendezvous?

That’s the crappy thing about relationships on the down low where feelings are involved: All of your encounters have to be planned, and those plans are always subject to change at the last second. How are you going to feel when you finally do get together one night and all of a sudden he has to go because his wife called, freakin’ out because the dog has the runs?

Beyond that, there’s the fact that you still won’t be a part of his life, not really. For instance, when the family goes on vacation, guess who won’t be going? When’s he’s happy over a promotion or a stroke of good fortune, guess who won’t be at the celebratory dinner? When he’s hurt, depressed, or sad, guess who won’t be able to comfort him without raising suspicion? The comfort factor will be especially difficult if you really do have feelings for him. And when those all-important girlie things come up, like anniversaries, guess who’ll be spending the evening alone?

Possibly the most important question you can ask yourself is this: Do you see yourself regretting not doing it? Put your feelings aside! Just look at the possible repercussions. Do you envision any scenario where you would wish you had done it? Chances are, you probably can’t think of a single one besides unrequited affections.

Now try to think of the situations in which you might regret going through with this decision…allow me to help you. Not only do you have to worry about someone finding out, but there’s also that lovely possibility of pregnancy or STD transmission. Let’s face it, you’re probably not the first one if their marriage is that bad. There’s also a strong possibility that she’s steppin’ out too, and that multiplies your risks exponentially.

At the end of the day, you still don’t know where he stands in all of this. Sure, he’s attracted to you, but attraction is very different from love. He may just see you as a young plaything, an escape from the monotony of his life. How will you feel if that’s the case?

And when he does get that divorce, how will you feel when he’s not knocking down your door with an engagement ring? In short, you’ll be wasting the time you could be spending on building another relationship on a fruitless endeavor. Even if you don’t have anyone else in line after him, you could better spend the time doing things other than lamenting the fact that the two of you can’t be together. Take up a hobby: learn the ancient art of origami, start playing an instrument, practice fire eating; most importantly, spend as little time around him as possible. Out of sight, out of mind.

I know that all of my advice probably won’t make a lick of difference; you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do. I hope I’ve at least given you something more to consider. If all else fails, you can always follow the standard protocol for those denied access to someone they care about: develop a habit, become the town whore, and profit from your exploits via the internet.

Joann is a working gal – er, a hard-working girl – who is on a never-ending quest to understand the psyche of both sexes.

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