This is the second installment of a two-part series on LSU football. I thoroughly researched the history of LSU football from 1893 to 1957 for last month’s article. But for the era covering 1958 to the present, I’ve had no time to do any serious research. So, I’m going to throw away all the history books, statistics, and recorded eyewitness accounts of what really happened and rely solely on my own personal recollections, which at times may be somewhat flawed by the passage of time, my own personal subjectivity, and residual memory loss from electroshock therapy.

You will recall from last month’s article that in 1893, Tulane (then known as the Tulane Goats) routed the Tigers in their inaugural game, 34-0. In 1958 – sixty-five years after LSU’s first game with Tulane – LSU, the number-one ranked team in college football, would have a chance to exact a measure of revenge against Tulane, which by then was known as the Green Wave. It was the last regular-season game of the year. At halftime, LSU was clinging to a 6-0 lead. An undefeated season and a national championship hung in the balance. LSU’s coach, "Pepsodent" Paul Dietzel, in a stirring halftime speech, reminiscent of Knute Rockne's "Win One for the Ripper," exhorted his team to "Remember 1893!" Unfortunately, no one on the team actually remembered 1893, having all been born many years afterwards.

Well, to be perfectly historically accurate, Coach Dietzel didn’t really make any such inspirational halftime speech, but he didn’t need to, for his lightning quick team scored 56 points in the second half to plummet the Green Wave, 62-0. This would be the first of three times (1958, 1961, and 1965) that LSU would beat the Green Wave by that identical score.

An interesting footnote to the 1965 Tulane game: The final score might have been 63-0 had the Tigers’ regular place kicker, Doug Moreau (now District Attorney for East Baton Rouge Parish), not changed places with the holder, Billy Ezell, for an extra point attempt late in the game. Ezell failed to convert on the only kick of his collegiate career.

Up until the 2003 football season, many loyal Tiger fans lived in the dream of the 1958 season, when LSU last won the national championship. How many years afterwards would we have to endure, over and over again, Billy Cannon’s great run against federal agents? Correction: That run we had to listen to over and over again was actually Cannon’s run against Ole Miss in 1959. He really didn’t run from the federal agents, but surrendered voluntarily, and there’s no record that any of the agents were from Ole Miss.

But the late 1950s and early ‘60s were looked upon as the "Gory Years" of LSU football, when LSU’s defensive specialists, the much feared "Chinese Bandits" – brandishing Samurai swords – would threaten to cut the hands off of any opposing player who scored a touchdown against them. This was the advent of "platoon" football, when players began to specialize in either offense or defense.

Most people don’t realize that this was also the beginning of "spittoon" football, when players were provided spittoons to spit their tobacco juice in. This practice never caught on in baseball, and to this day baseball players spit all over the same field that they slide and roll around on.

Coach Dietzel left after the 1961 season for what he thought were greener pastures – Army green, to be exact. As he soon found out, Army green is not very pretty, although it does look good on some people with the right skin color. You’re probably wondering, "Why would someone leave LSU to coach Army? Did Coach Dietzel think he was going to draft all of the best athletes to play on Army’s football team?" Well, even though the military draft was in effect at the time, all college students were exempt from the draft, so Coach Dietzel gained no recruiting advantage by coaching Army.

Some people would not have been upset with Coach Dietzel had he not made the infamous statement, "I will never grieve LSU." Of course, that statement proved to be false, as he did grieve LSU years later…as Athletic Director, when he was fired by LSU’s Bored Supervisors, for no other reason than to liven up their meeting.

Charles McClendon, affectionately known as "Cholly Big Mac," took over as LSU’s next football coach. The turning point in his coaching career was when the NCAA threatened sanctions against LSU if the defensive squad did not stop hacking people’s hands off. The Chinese Bandits were dis-Bandited, and the "Gory Years" were over. Cholly Big won many games after that, but eventually LSU "retired" him, before he could realize his lifelong dream – bringing a McDonald’s franchise to Tiger Stadium.

Next to coach LSU was Jerry Snowball, a man who bled purple and gold – mainly because he ate nothing but purple-and-gold snow cones. Unfortunately, "Jerry’s Kids" were somewhat dysfunctional, and the Athletic Dictator, SpongeBob "I Never Met a Coach I Didn’t Fire" Broadhead, brought in Bill "Don’t Tell Me How to Coach" Arnsparger to coach LSU. Arnsparger won many games, but his most extraordinary accomplishment – his first official act as the Athletic Director for the University of Florida – was when he hired LSU’s next football coach.

Not much is remembered about the Mike Archer Error, except you don’t let the A.D. of a school that you play against hire your next football coach. But meanwhile, the Bored Supervisors, still looking for ways to liven up their meetings, fire "SpongeBob" Broadhead, hire "Pepsodent" Dietzel as Athletic Director, fire Dietzel, and then hire Joe "String Music" Dean as A.D., who proves that he not only knows how to run a sports shoe company but can also play many of the string instruments.

But "String Music" Joe knew a bargain when he saw one and hired "Curly" Hallman as LSU’s next coach. This pleased LSU’s Bored Supervisors, who were desperate for any type of comedy, even the slapstick variety made famous by the Three Stooges. But astute LSU fans soon realized that the original Curly died years before and that this Curly was a cheap imitation of the original one – even worse than any of the Curlys that appeared in their later movies. So Coach Hallman is sent back to Larry and Moe, and "String Music" Dean, whose office is now equipped with the most modern computer, shops online at discountcoaches.com to find another bargain, Gerry "Practice Till You Drop or Get Injured" DiNardo.

Coach DiNardo promises to "Bring Back the Magic" – a slogan that was doomed to failure, not having a familiar LSU ring to it like, "Give Stovall a U-Hall" or "Help Mac Pack" – although some LSU fans are thinking "Bring Mac Back" after DiNardo's version of the Bayou Bengals start losing. (Cholly Big Mac’s 69.2% winning record is starting to look pretty good about this time.)

Chancellor Mark Emmert becomes the first chancellor since Groucho Marx in the movie Horse Feathers to blatantly admit something Tiger fans knew all along – you can’t have a good college unless you have a good football team. He hires the best coach money can buy – "St. Nick" Saban, who shows up wearing a turtleneck sweater under his sports coat. At first, Louisiana football fans are skeptical, not knowing if they can trust anyone not wearing camouflage. But soon, St. Nick is seen wearing a halo in the eyes of LSU fans, when he gives them the best gift of all – a national championship.

A year later, however, due to a technicality in his contract (a provision that states that he can break the contract whenever he wants to), St. Nick leaves LSU to coach the pros. Some fans, under the mistaken impression that the "L" in LSU stands for "Loyalty," can’t understand why St. Nick isn’t true to LSU. (These couldn’t be the same fans that chanted "Help Mac Pack" to someone who, for 18 years, didn’t want any other job but head coach of the LSU Tigers.)

To those fans who were so distraught that St. Nick left us, let me give you this score, just in from the 1995 Independence Bowl:

DiNardo-coached LSU: 45

Saban-coached Michigan State: 26

That’s right, sports fans! DiNardo's LSU team beat Saban’s Michigan State team handily! Even with all that time DiNardo had in preparation for a bowl game to wear out and injure our players! And we still kicked their butts! Why, even Curly Hallman could have coached LSU to a win over Saban’s Michigan State team that year, because OUR ATHLETES WERE MUCH BETTER THAN THEIR ATHLETES!

Only time will tell if Les Miles can fill Nick Saban’s turtlenecks. Although I haven’t personally seen Coach Miles wearing a turtleneck, he did wear a long-sleeve jacket during those hot practices in August. I guess that’s close enough, but it’s still not camouflage.

Antonio is an LSU grad who bleeds purple and gold. You can email him at antonio@redshtickmagazine.com.

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