No one can deny the gazillion-dollar video game industry. As gamers have grown older and acquired both more disposable income and lines of credit larger than an advance on “next month’s allowance,” it’s no wonder juggernauts like Sony and Microsoft are jockeying to be the hub of their entire entertainment system for years to come. The stakes are high, especially as the different NextGen systems fight the first battles of the looming Blue Laser War, a consumer conflict on a scale not experienced since the VHS and Betamaxacres. Let’s take a look at who’s throwing what into the NextGen video game ring!

Xbox 360™ (Microsoft): Gates’ early entry to the NextGen console wars.

Price & Release Date: This system was made available to the public in the fourth quarter of 2005 (cha-ching!). Its early release should have helped it gain a huge advantage over the competition. Too bad Microsoft only shipped three or four units for the entire United States…anyone else remember the “Great Christmas Xbox 360 Riots of ’05?” Maybe Microsoft wanted us to share the Xb360.

Specs: Two models are available: Premium and Core. The Premium model features wireless controllers, a headset to communicate with other headset-owning nerds, high-definition video output cables, and a hard drive that can store up to 20 gigs of porn. Stripped of those accessories, the Core package comes only with a bag of already-opened BBQ potato chips and a complimentary kick to the nuts.

Out of the box, the Xbox 360 plays DVDs, CDs, and can toast very thinly sliced, gourmet bread. Regarding the imminent Blue Laser Wars, Microsoft officially endorses the HD-DVD technology, which stands for Hella Dopamine-Digital Versatile Disk. Using one of the Xb360’s USB 2.0 ports, HD-DVD playback will eventually be available as an add-on.

Games: Losing exclusive access to Rockstar’s Grand Theft Auto series, notably the upcoming GTA: New Orleans, Microsoft will have to depend on tantalizing Xb360-only titles like Ass Effect, Tears of War: Rise of the Lachrymists, and Two Human(s). However, the real system-seller will be HALO® 3! This time around, Master Chief is in a coma: Players will have to go into his psyche and fight his inner Covenant aliens!

Style: The Xbox 360 looks okay, I guess. Thankfully, the faceplate can be popped off and replaced with personalized ones. My favorite is the faceplate that shows TEKKEN® characters in compromising positions (i.e. Yoshimitsu/Panda/Nina three-way).

Online: Xbox Live®, the online gaming service, still costs $30 a month. However, hardcore online gamers can be ensured that living in mom’s basement for free helps defray the high costs.

Verdict: Sure, the first round of games for the Xb360 aren’t all that impressive, but no gamer will be able to deny the urge to meet Master Chief’s troubled inner child. Though Microsoft officially supports HD-DVD, it was a good call to keep playback options external: If the consumer tide turns in the other direction, then Gates can conveniently crank out some external Blu-ray or Blutamax add-ons.

Ffact (fun fact): Microsoft wanted to call this system “Xbox 369,” but an unidentified, softcore porn mogul already copyrighted the name.

PlayStation® 3 (Sony): Sony is going totally balls-out with their NextGen entrant – but all the extra balls and whistles won’t come for free.

Price & Release Date: Due out this fall, the PS3 is Japan’s not-so-secret attempt at an economic terrorist attack against the United States. Come this November, debt-laden American consumers will finally tip the scales towards utter financial ruination just to have the pricey PS3. Hell, the low-end model will cost $500, while the deluxe model will set you back an arm, a leg, and possibly a firstborn child.

Specs: Both models will have hard drives of varying sizes, USB 2.0, and, putting all their blue eggs in one basket, out-of-the-box Blu-ray playability. Only the premium package will sport flash memory readers, Super-Duper Hi-Definition outputs, and the promise of eternal salvation. The low-end model will feature three-fourths of a controller and a hairless, toothless, clawless hamster.

Blatantly ripping off Nintendo®’s innovative new controller (see below), the PS3’s controllers will be motion sensitive – movement of the controller itself will actually control on-screen action! That’s right, the day has finally come for all those silly bastards who’ve leaned one way or another when drifting around corners in driving games, or peeked over piles of severed zombie-Nazi-alien limbs in their favorite first-person shooter. The downside: The PS3 will be able to sense when a controller is thrown in frustration, leading the gaming machine to issue the verbal upbraiding: “I may be a toy, but I’m an expensive toy! Do you have any idea how much I cost? That’s right, so don’t go throwing my controllers around!”

Games: Don’t miss these Sony-only games: Devil May Sigh 4, Final-ish Fantasy XXX, Virtua Slighter 5, and my personal favorite, Neckkin’ 6. Fans of the Metal Gear Solid series will also be camping out for their copy of MGS4: NSA Wiretaps. Utilizing the PS3 controller’s motion-sensitivity, Trailer Trash: Keepin’ Her in Line (prequel to the sleeper hit TT: F–kin’ a Duck) ought to ignite a firestorm of controversy over its promotion of excessive alcohol consumption and domestic violence.

Style: I like the color options (black, silver, silvery-black), but the hulking thing is shaped like a large robot turd.

Online: Sony claims the PS3 will feature free online game play – the caveat being that some games will still charge subscription fees. That’s right, guys: The connection will be free, but it’ll be about $15 a month to get in on some hot, hi-res, elf-on-orc action.

Verdict: There’s no doubt the P$3 will be a gaming, internet-surfing, multimedia beast. However, it’s super-ballsy to claim Blu-ray will be the next big thing, period. Who would want to drop over half a grand on one and end up with incompatibility-based Blu-balls? While the PS3’s Blu-ray bet may eventually be dead-on, it’ll be worth waiting for a price drop (or two) to find out.

Ffact: The PS4 and PS5 have already been created, but Sony is patiently awaiting PS3’s obsolescence.

Wii™ (Nintendo): Still smarting from the GamePube’s failure, Nintendo is hoping radical controller innovations and lower prices will help them turn what’s become a gaming niche into living-room dominance.

Price & Release Date: Fall ’06. Two hundred fifty bones to you, my friend (assuming the bone doesn’t slip too much against the dollar).

Specs: Calling the bluff of those who claim, “HD is the only way to go,” Nintendo is retrograding the Wii’s graphics to those of the original GameBoy™. “Video games are becoming too realistic; plus, we have all these extra GameBoys lying around…” claims Nintendo’s CEO, Satoru Iwata. Truthfully, I’m not sure if that’s what he actually said, because he said it in Japanese. Admittedly, he may have been telling me, “Hey, whitey – stop digging through my garbage!”

DVD playback will come in the form of a yet-announced add-on. There will be an SD memory reader and a port for four whole GameCube controllers. The Nintendo DSs will also be compatible with the Wii using the built-in Wi-Fi.

The Wii’s real innovation is the killer, Bluetooth®-connected, TV-remote-shaped controller and its “nunchaku” attachment that features an analog stick. The remote-ish remote has both motion and infrared sensors, which may or may not change the way every genre of video game is played. Teaser commercials from Nintendo show sword fighting, shooter-ups, racers, and, of course, adrenaline-filled fishing games. There’s a speaker on the controller, as well – creating a controller-to-TV 3-D sound effect sure to impress the ladies. Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch.

Games: Nintendo has its traditional lineup, all of which kick ass (especially if you’re 13 years old) – Mario™, Zelda®, Metroid®, Fonky Kong, Star Fox®, and many other homoerotic, straight-to-plush-doll characters. While those games hold a tremendous lot of promise, it will fall to the third-party developers to produce the games this system will need to thrive. To woo them, the guys at Nintendo wisely made it super-simple and cheap to makes games for the Wii. And if it’s really that easy to make games for this system, then a libertine developer should definitely look into using the Wiimote for a hardcore sex game (phallic controller + nunchaku attachment = points for double penetration?). Hey, I’m just saying my source indicates there’s a market, that’s all. And yes, my source is in my pants.

For the first time, Nintendo will also be opening its substantial catalogue of games from systems past. Using the cleverly titled “Virtual Console,” gamers who yearn to revisit those old-school (i.e., crappy) experiences will be able to do just that. If video games were like fine wine, then the Virtual Console would be awesome – but the 8-bit game is more like the 8-track player: best left boxed-up in the attic.

Style: The Wii is both the smallest and (looks like) the most simplistic of the three major contenders. Beyond the silver casing, screenshots hint that the system might come in traditional Nintendo colors like Bareback Blue, Gay Green, and Rectum Reddish-Brown. Good luck looking at your Nintendo controllers the same way ever again.

Online: Free online play will provide a place for the kiddies that just love the cutesy Nintendo games and sexual predators who prey on them alike.

Verdict: The new controller looks truly awesome, but the jury will remain out until we get a chance to see how well this whole “Star Wars lightsaber combat game” works out. (I challenge you to a duel, sir!) The Wii’s sub-par graphics hardly scream “next generation,” but if the good games are plentiful and online play remains free, Nintendo may be forgiven…a little bit. The low price guarantees it’ll be worth a try.

Ffact: The working title for the Wii was the “Nintendo Golden Shower,” but it fared poorly in Japanese focus groups.

Each system brings something a little bit different to the table. Don’t mind looking silly and still want to have lots of fun with less-than-the-best graphics? Go Nintendo. Enjoy games geared towards adult audiences, have money to burn, and willing to guinea pig with a yet-established blue laser format? PlayStation 3 is for you. Comfortable trading Bill Gates owning your soul for the stability it offers? Xbox 360 all the way. No matter which side you pick (and screw y’all who can afford one of each!), the digital crack will be the purest it’s ever been.

Chesslee Calloway, a Baton Rouge native, resides in New York, NY.

The Digital Crackhead: July Releases Reviewed

Crusty Demons (Xbox) – My underwear must be possessed.

WWII Combat: Iwo Jima (Xbox, PC) – It’s like being there, but worse.

Xyanide (Xbox) – Its homonym is a better idea than playing this game.

The Lord of the Rings™: The Battle for Middle-Earth™ II (Xbox 360) – Picks up sucking exactly where the first LOTR:BFME left off.

Barnyard (GC) – All the lube in the world couldn’t make this feel good.

TEKKEN: Dark Resurrection (PSP) – Like the other TEKKENs, but with two more characters I won’t be playing.

America’s Army®: Rise of a Soldier™ (PSP) – The U.S. Army’s official game…about my penis.

Micro Machines V4 (DS) – Play and marvel at how things so small could suck so big.

Hardcore Pool (DS) – Sh–tty gaming, from behind.

Atlantis Quest (PC) – Should have been a quest not to suck.

NFL Head Coach (PC) – The BJ-simulation game. (Finally, a game for the ladies.)

Monster House (multiplatform) – Crappy film, crappier game.

JAWS™ Unleashed (PC) – Jaws Unhinged: Around My Balls.

by Chesslee Calloway

Game of the Month: Cock Fighter II: Talons of Fire Tournament Edition

Cock Fighter II: Talons of Fire Tournament Edition has earned its spot as July’s game of the month. While the single-player story mode answers the questions left open at the end of the first Cock Fighter game, the real fun is, of course, found in the versus mode. Like its predecessor, CFII:TFTE’s controls are intuitive and silky-smooth. However, it’s the new features that make this game a keeper: fully customizable spurs, a well-rounded franchise mode, a surprisingly in-depth create-a-cock mode, improved AI, and more. Putting it over the edge are the less noticeable details like the dead cocks piled up in mounds, gamblers’ overflowing spittoons, and the sound of blood spurting when your fighter’s jugular is cut. With little to no lag, even the online gaming is good. There’s no doubt, when it comes to virtual cockfighting, CFII:TFTE is the go-to game.

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