July is a month dedicated to the proliferation and control of fire. For some reason, we've decided to take the hottest month of the year and fill it with fireworks and bar-b-ques.

On top of that, apparently, Independence Day is so important that nobody else gets to put a holiday there. Give it a shot: Try and find another holiday that isn't like "National Save-a-Penny Day" or “Be Nice to the Elderly Month.”

Well, in honor of the Fourth, and taking into account we live in the South, I've decided to gift each of you with the premium firework that most suits you and the horrendous injury you are to sustain from it. Happy 4th, everybody!

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Get ready to become the anti-fireworks grumpbucket of safety when you lose hearing and balance on your left side after a five-year-old sticks a Morning Glory™ Xtra-Long sparkler in your ear.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You'll wish you had covered your ears after Black Cat's® 80/16 brick blows off all your major digits.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A most spectacular demise awaits you at the hands of TNT's® $500 Peacemaker assortment: a combo pack so incredible, the oohs and aahs will drown out your screams of pain.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The Cracklin' Wolf Pack® is one of the few Roman candles that gives off a comet's tail of crackling sparks as it flies through the air. Ponder this incredible beauty as it flies up your pant leg, igniting all available hair and undergarments.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): That high-pitched screech is a Whistling Chaser flying up the tailpipe of your car, igniting the gas tank quicker than that bomb in the trunk of Al Pacino's wife's car in The Godfather.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your death will be a joke for years to come after you meet your end at the hands of the gayest firework ever: the Ash Snake. You'll choke on it.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Know that you're witnessing the largest and loudest string of firecrackers allowed by law as Phantom's® 16,000-count strip of Wolf Pack® Crackers causes blood to drool out of your every orifice.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Thank your significant other for removing each of the 300 plastic shots of Phantom's Crackling Missile Base from your nethers.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Not only is it a great way to end a show, but Black Cat's Angle Rack of 12 is also $200 worth of skin grafts. Play nice, kids!

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): You'll suffer temporary blindness and a complete loss of your eyebrows when an errant shell from TNT's America Rising mortar pack hits you square in the face.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): The emergency room staff will marvel at your 8-inch anal opening after you sit on a case of misplaced Snap Pops.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Prepare to be thankful for your health and family after Grucci's New York Harbor Fountain™ reduces your home and property to post-apocalyptic ash with its "never-ending shower of sparks."