August is the most significant month of the entire year. Not because it is Women's Small Business Month or because it's when the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally takes place, but because more events of worldwide significance have taken place in the month of August than in any other month of the year.  Singapore, Pakistan, India, and Korea all became independent in August.  It's also the month when the two nuclear bombs were dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

But most importantly, it's the month in which I was born (specifically, on the 18^th, making it THE most important day of the year).  My birthday is shared with some extremely notable notables, such as: Meriwether Lewis, Max Factor, Casper Weinberger, Shelley Winters, Rosalynn Carter, Robert Redford, Martin Mull, Elayne Boosler, Patrick Swayze, Denis Leary, Madeleine Stowe, Everlast, and Edward Norton, not to mention the deaths of Genghis Khan, Honoré de Balzac, and three whole popes.  So, as a gift, I'm actually coming up with real horoscopes this month. Now give me presents.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You will be seen playing with a Magic 8 Ball^® in a Spencer Gifts and accused of witchcraft by a wandering Pentecostal, who will then run away in shame for getting caught in Spencer Gifts.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):   Something in your house will cease in its usefulness and require replacement.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The stars show you might be running out of milk.  You should probably pick some up, but the stars might just be being careful.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):You’re going to lose two socks in the laundry, but they will be solid in color and the opposites of one another, so you won't really notice.  I just figured you should know.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):  Love will come into your life, either in the form of a dog humping your leg or spiders having sex underneath your sleeping body and then laying eggs in your navel.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A disgruntled employee will lick the top of your next fast-food-burger bun. Trust me, it won't be the first or last time.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):You will kill a small bird by hitting it with your car, but you'll be singing along with the radio too loudly to notice.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20):While in the supermarket, you will yawn really big, just as an attractive person walks by, kind of embarrassing yourself, until you realize you’re in the peanut butter aisle.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19):     You will wake up on at least five occasions this month and feel the urge to use the bathroom to a degree that you cannot ignore.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): An opportunity will arise this month that, if you seize it, will be very good for you personally, but if ignored, won't matter in the least, because you had no idea you missed it.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):  At some point in the next couple of weeks, you will either shave something somewhere on you or have hair removed in some fashion.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): There will be food in your near future.  Most likely, you will eat it.