As I write this, Barry Bonds is only a single four-bagger shy of tying Hank Aaron’s sacred record of 755 career homeruns. The hoopla that would normally be present on the eve of matching, and subsequently breaking, such a revered milestone has been significantly tempered because of the perception that baseball fans and the general public have of the San Francisco Giants slugger.

Many people believe that Bonds has reached the 754-homerun mark with a little help from his friends at the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative, or BALCO. The current consensus is that, along the way, he cheated by using steroids and/or human growth hormone that, so far, have proven undetectable. Plus he’s an enormous a–hole, too.

Of course, there are those who maintain that, until Bonds tests positive for a banned substance, he should be celebrated just like any other baseball great. He’s innocent until proven guilty, they claim. Sure, and O.J. didn’t do it.

On second thought, maybe we’re all wrong about Barry. Maybe he is clean. Perhaps since entering the major leagues, his head has tripled in diameter au naturale.

Three time zones east, the starting quarterback for the “dirty birds” in the ATL may not play a single down in the upcoming NFL season. Because of his alleged involvement in running a dog-fighting ring in his home state of Virginia, Michael Vick may essentially get a paid vacation this year. Bad news for Falcon fans; good news for Atlanta strippers.

When the story broke, a friend sent me a text message saying, “The Falcons are screwed.” I responded with, “Yeah, they’ve been Vicktimized.” I’m getting corny in my old age.

Then there’s the story about NBA referee Tim Donaghy, who’s being investigated by the FBI for betting on games, including some he officiated. As a high school football official, I believe this is by far the most scandalous story currently in the world of sports.

It doesn’t just involve the actions of a single player who may have used performance-enhancing drugs or committed a felony off the playing field. This story brings the very integrity of the sport into question.

For years, conspiracy theorists have said that NBA officials regularly influence the outcome of games. When you see one team take five times as many free throws as their opponent in a game, it’s hard to dismiss them as kooks.

I officiated intramural basketball when I attended LSU. It was fun, especially when players like Stanley Roberts, who were academically ineligible to play their freshman year, thanks to the now-defunct Prop 48, played in the open league. That was the league where players could slam-dunk.

As the lead official under the goal, there was nothing like looking up and watching a 7-foot, 300-pound black man descend from the rafters, especially when those rafters held up the roof of the Long Field House. After a Roberts slam, those ancient rafters, which held up the goal, seemed to reverberate through the next possession or two. They don’t build gyms like that anymore.

I don’t officiate basketball anymore, because it’s probably the most subjective game to do so, even more than boxing, in my opinion. Block or charge? Foul or clean? You have to make a split-second call and stick with it. Plus the fans are way too close for my comfort. In my book, if the average fans can hock a loogie on you, they’re too close, but I digress.

This subjectivity is what gives rise to the conspiracies. If a rogue referee wants to influence the outcome of a game, he’s much more capable of accomplishing such a task on a basketball court than on a baseball diamond or a football field. The NBA certainly doesn’t need this type of scandal.

With all that said, I’d rather watch a fixed NBA game, a Falcons game with Vick in prison stripes, or even a Giants game where Barry Bonds injected ‘roids in his ass in the on-deck circle, than be forced to watch a soccer game. And yes, that’s even if David Beckham was playing.

Prepare yourself, folks. I’m about to take a massive dump on the “beautiful game.” Soccer fans and those with weak stomachs should look away now.

Could there have been more hype surrounding David Beckham’s debut in America? NBC even had a reality show featuring his wife, Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham, moving the family across the pond to Los Angeles. I could understand E! or VH1, but NBC?!? Remember the good old days when NBC was a real network?

Here’s a trivia question: What’s the difference between Harry Potter and David Beckham? Potter’s an English import that’s worth the several million dollars he’s getting. Plus he’s got two good ankles.

When will soccer apologists get it through their thick, ball-knocking heads that their game will never enjoy popularity here in the states like it has everywhere else in the world? And don’t even think about contacting me with the whole “soccer is really football” thing. I swear, if you do, I’ll go Ike Turner and reach out from the pages of the September issue and bitch-slap you in front of all your soccer-loving, loser friends.

The reason why soccer will never be popular here is because of NASCAR. That’s right, NASCAR. It’s so damned popular and so incompatible with soccer, the latter has no chance.

Think about it. Soccer is a European sport. NASCAR is a red-state sport. They cannot coexist...period. It would be like trying to open a sushi restaurant in Watson. Sure, a few curious souls might wander in at first, but everyone knows it just won’t work.

About the only way soccer could ever compete in this country is if they altered the rules to make it more attractive to NASCAR fans. Screw the goals and the ball. Just make the players run around the field counter-clockwise, and have them bump into each other, burst into flames, and get into fistfights afterwards. That might work. Until then, “Bend it like Beckham” will never top “Drive it like you stole it.”