Okay, you love movies.  You've seen hundreds of them.  You've enjoyed at least a dozen.  So why remain a passive spectator?   Wouldn't you love to be behind the camera, deciding the look, tone, and direction of a movie?  Or pose nude in front of the camera?  Wait, I meant act. ACT in front of the camera.

It's time to take charge, Louisiana.  With more opportunities arising and more films being filmed here, the moment has arrived to take Hollywood by the bells (yes, I meant to say bells…this is a family magazine…sort of) and show ‘em what we can do!

First off, if you are a woman, make it known that you don't have a problem doing on-screen nudity.  That's a sure way to get your foot in the door.  Virtually all of today's adult actresses, that is, actresses over 27 years old, did a little skin: Eva Mendes, Angelina Jolie, Rosario Dawson, Meg Ryan…heck, even Cathy Bates and Dame Judi Dench!  Yes, DAME Judi Dench.  The Oscar winner bared her breasts in a little film called A Midsummer Night's Dream – not the one that came out in 1999; I'm talking 1968.

Anyone, guy or gal, can come up with script ideas, but true screenwriting is an ability only a few have.  Find someone to script out the plot, a few actors and actresses, and a cameraperson, and you're well on your way.  All you need is a sponsor, and you can accomplish quite a lot.  What every project needs is someone with vision: someone who knows how to line up a shot, can get the best performance out of the players, knows the difference between tactless nakedness and tasteful nudity.  That's your director.

And hey, if you want to spice up your flick with a midget or two, of if you just need someone to serve boudin balls in the green room, you can lasso a dwarf at shortdwarf.com or Dwarf Talent at 800-243-2639.  I would recommend tipping big or finding an excuse for the bruises on your shins besides "a damn underpaid munchkin kicked me!"

I'll get to you next month about some ways to get financial backing, but if you want to get started early, I've got one bit of advice for you: There's never any reason to have male frontal nudity in a regular film…unless it's mine.

Movie Promotion à la the 21st Century

With the nationwide conversion of convenience stores (okay, 12 of them) to Kwik-E-Marts for TheSimpsons Movie, studios are taking note.  When Balls of Fury, the extreme ping-pong comedy, hits theaters, there should be several…okay, at least one YMCA will have special ping-pong tables.  They'll be fun, I swear.  Please use my table!

Attempts to rename churches “Bourne Again Centers” in tribute to the Matt Damon Bourne Supremacy movie didn't work out too well, as deacons and altar boys were trained and instructed to kung fu the living hell out of anyone who couldn't name the seven deadly sins on demand.  That's still better than the original plan that involved White Supremacists and peanut butter.

Well, that's enough for now.  I hope you all don't burn to a cinder this month.  Stay cool.