I sat in bed next to Sean, cringing. Seriously? I waited all this time for that? The sex was awful. I mean awful.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. A friend hooked up Sean and me on a blind date. When he walked into the bar and our eyes met for the first time, I knew it wasn’t magic. But he was sweet, polite, and oh-so-adorable. So we dated.

At first, it was just dinner every couple of nights. Then it was drinks with his friends. A movie at my house. He was so great to hang out with and laugh with that I thought the sexual chemistry would just happen.

I was so wrong. I mean so wrong. When we finally decided to take the plunge, it started out just like the rest of our relationship, sweet and romantic. He dimmed the lights, we kissed, and he slowly undressed me. But somewhere in all that tender foreplay, something went astray. He couldn’t keep it up.

Seriously? What the hell did I do wrong in a past life? Had I been a devious seductress who used her sexual prowess to trick good men into dangerous situations and then let them perish at the hands of their enemies? What, dear Lord, what did I do?

And not only did things down there deflate faster than whipped cream on a summer afternoon, but when he finally was able to get it up, I couldn’t actually tell that we were doing the deed. Please, please, God…all I want is a good lay!

Needless to say, I stopped calling him back. I realize that’s not very mature. I did give him a couple of chances to redeem himself from the world’s worst sex list, but he failed again and again.

And this got me thinking, of course, about bad sex. What makes it bad? Does everyone have a really negative experience in bed at least once? One night out with my roommate (after a couple cocktails), I started asking total strangers about the dark and dirty details of their tawdry trysts. The answers were, well, classic!

So now, I’d like to pay homage to all my fellow sufferers of heinous sex. Your stories have inspired what I like to call the Classic 10 Booty Busts. They are as follows:

1.                  Goggle Failure – You’ve taken her/him home and done the mattress seduction, and you are mid-thrust when your Beer Goggles suddenly fail. It is in that blinding moment that you realize you’re gettin’ freaky with someone who vaguely resembles your awkward cousin with the bad acne.

2.                  The Dead Fish – You try and try to get her going, but all she does is lie in bed as if her slimy limbs have been left to dry of precious fluid in the blistering sun. No amount of foreplay, gentle cooing, or bootylicious music will get her going.

3.                  The Microscopic Member – I have suffered through this before (cough, cough – see above), and it’s brutal. Granted, small boys might know how to use it, but it takes some hardcore skill. And let’s be honest, ladies: We want to know when he’s in there!

4.                  The Prickly Cactus – You’ve stripped-down your partner, only to find a bristly, prickly, quite deadly grooming situation. I recommend running for the door. This one will leave you craving loose clothing and medicated moisturizer for days.

5.                  Water Works – The lights are down low, you’re caught in the heat of the moment, and suddenly, you realize that’s not sweat dripping off her face; it’s the water works. Nothing kills the mood quite like a blubbering partner. I’m sorry; if sex makes you cry, give it up already!

6.                  The Daily Special – Seriously, I’d not heard this one before, but the crowd at one of my local hangouts told the horror story. You’re on your back, in the heat of the moment, and suddenly, he gives you a sloppy-seconds taste of his dinner, dessert, and/or drinks from that evening. Can we say gross?

7.                  The Impersonator – Gentlemen, this is for you. You’ve been trying all night to get her to the toe-curling, scream-inducing moment of bliss, and to repay you, she screams and coos in a way that is so painfully fake. Instead of telling you what you can do to make it real, she blatantly oohhhhs and ahhhhs in your ear while rolling her eyes. We know you could make it real if she’d only give you some freaking direction!

8.                  The Bourbon Booty Blunder – Yes, what you are about to read is a true story. I swear. After a crazy night out on Bourbon Street or in Tigerland, you find yourself in the apartment of a hot stranger. She presses you up against the wall and kisses you hard…that’s when you feel her Adam’s apple.

9.                  The Roxbury Thrust – In the fashion of that famous SNL/A Night at the Roxbury duo, your partner fastidiously bangs away at you without any sense of rhythm or shame. By the time he is done banging away at your hip bones, you’ve got bruises the size of Will Ferrell’s head that last for weeks.

10.              The Early Arrival – No hideous sex list would be complete without it. It’s the unsightly, unwelcome, and unwarranted early arrival of your partner before the act even commences. Look, we know you’re excited, but three seconds is just way too quick.

For all my dedicated readers that have experienced any of these classic booty blunders, I am deeply sorry. All I can say is: Grab your pants and run for the door. If they sucked the first time, chances are, they will again.

And for those of you that commit these crude and crass acts, it may be time to invest in a pirated copy of Unfaithful. I recommend watching it repeatedly and taking notes. Seriously, consider it Sex 101.