The Great Big Story

HEAVEN – Telling Louisiana voters His answer “should be obvious by now,” God formally asked the state in September to quit praying for political reform.

“If it hasn’t occurred to you yet, I Am a serious Omnipotent Being,” the Almighty said in a release. “Victims of tsunamis and earthquakes, kids with incurable diseases – those are the people who really need My help.”

Besides, the Creator continued, Louisiana voters praying for reform “are not really serious about it.”

“Don’t even start with Me about David Vitter and the governor’s race,” the Benevolent, All-Seeing Ruler of the Universe told the state’s electorate. “If you really want better politics, you might start by not electing douche bags to office in the first place. I mean, seriously, Dewey Ratcliff? Buchanan in 1856? That whole thing with Ken Duncan? Come on.”

Downtown to Become One Giant Wine Bar

BATON ROUGE – Using an expansion model based on the Starbucks coffeehouse chain, the Center for Planning Excellence said in September it will push for converting every downtown retail location into a wine bar.

“By late 2009, you’ll be able to walk into Kinko’s for color copies of your big sales presentation or a nice, light-bodied Beaujolais,” said the center’s Boo Thomas.

Metro Councilman Pat Culbertson said the proposal was worth looking into. “This could be a real opportunity to make up for the city’s lack of culture with utter pretension,” he said.

Reviewer Pans Album from Ed Price “Scat Man”

LOS ANGELES – Calling it formulaic and uninspired, Rolling Stone magazine drubbed Bad Service Blues, the debut CD from “Scat Man,” the Baton Rouge jazz vocalist who rose to prominence in Ed Price Building Materials’ TV commercials.

Scat Man’s vocal styling is “one-dimensional and an utter letdown,” Christian Hotard opined in a blistering review of the album. In particular, Hotard wrote, Scat Man’s cover of Slim Gaillard’s 1950s hit “MacVoutie O-reeney” was “plagiarized virtually syllable-for-syllable.”

“Despite Scat Man’s technical brilliance and artistic playfulness displayed in the Ed Price ad, he simply fails to deliver the goods. Bad Service Blues comes as bad news for us all,” Hotard wrote.

Area Company Unveils All-Lead Baby Pacifiers

GONZALES – Ignoring concerns raised by numerous consumer product safety advocates, HAMCO Inc., the Prairieville maker of infant clothing and other products, unveiled a line of pacifiers in September made entirely from lead.

“Super Happy Fun Suck” pacifiers come in a rainbow of colors and are “guaranteed to taste as good as they look,” the company says on its product packaging.

“Kids love them, and we shaved a full two-tenths of a point off our production costs,” said HAMCO spokesman Gerald Akers.

Man Refuses Winn-Dixie’s Free Sample

BATON ROUGE – Villa St. George resident John Tourney stunned workers at the Siegen Lane Winn-Dixie store in September when he showed no interest in the deli’s free sample of homemade pimento loaf.

TaWanda Jackson reported that Tourney ignored her outstretched hand offering a pat of the loaf spread on a Ritz cracker.

“Goddam, it’s free food,” Jackson, a three-year deli employee, said once Tourney had walked past the bread aisle and beyond earshot.

Store workers were even more dumbfounded later when Tourney declined a Winn-Dixie Customer Reward Card in the checkout line.

Source: LSU QB Injury Not Serious

TIGER STADIUM – Sources said in September that Matt Flynn, LSU’s star quarterback, suffered a sprain of his Eric Hill Nissan ankle and is expected to quickly recover.

Two confidential sources with the team said Flynn hyperextended his State Farm sydesmotic ligament, which connects his Gerry Lane Chevrolet tibia to his DEMCO fibula.

“It can be painful and difficult for Flynn to plant his [BancorpSouth] foot, but it usually takes care of itself,” one source said.

Team officials have declined to offer details about the injury suffered in the Sept. 9 Virginia Tech game.

Meanwhile, LSU free safety Craig Steltz reportedly hurt his MDM Tool Supply foot during the Virginia Tech contest but was expected to recover quickly. Steltz, who intercepted four passes through the first two games of the season, reportedly injured his Louisiana Chemical Pipe, Valve & Fitting, Inc. toe against Virginia Tech.

This Month’s Guest Columnist: Missy Wade, B.R. 8^th Grader

“Let’s Tear Down Baton Rouge High”

I know people who support Baton Rouge High don’t like the thought of their school being torn down, but I say we should do it.

First of all, have you talked to those people lately? They are such snobs! I mean, it’s like, oh my God, you’re so snobby! They’re like snob-osauruses.

My sister Phoebe goes to Parkview Baptist, and her Baton Rouge High friends are always like, “I’m smart and better than you, because I go to Baton Rouge High. Bow down and kiss my feet, because I go to BRH. Blah, blah, blah.”

That’s totally not true. I mean, they don’t even have a football team. What do they do for Friday pep rallies? What a bunch of ‘tards!

I agree with my dad, who says there are other high schools in town. I mean, like a bunch of them. Baton Rouge High people should just pick one of the others and go to it. You can be all high and mighty, just not in the building where you act like that right now.

God, I’d love to see their faces all crying and stuff when they knock the school down.

And here’s my big point. After they tear it down, Baton Rouge High could become a totally cool park. Kids could go there without their parents breathing down their necks. And I bet lots of totally cute guys would go there and play Frisbee^®.

So, I say tear down Baton Rouge High, and make those people shut up.

“Off the Wire” Corrections

The “Jena 6” is not an a cappella doo-wop group.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

ESPN announcer Brent Musburger does not wear Speedos^® while in the broadcast booth.

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.

Chef John Folse’s product line does not include “Groovy Pot Pies.”

“Off the Wire”regrets the error.