Holy Holidays! It’s that time of year again, so I would like to discuss it. I don’t care what you call this time of year; I call it “December.” I call December 25th “Christmas.” I call a Christmas tree a “tree.” I call people who get offended by what something is called “dumb ****** ****ing *****.”

If you want to get offended by something, watch my comedy clips on youtube.com. Actually, you won’t get offended; you will laugh and call the rest of the family over and enjoy quality time. Well, maybe you would be better off if you locked the door and turned down the speakers, but whatever.

Let’s get down to the REAL reason for the season: GIFTS! I don’t care who you are, or what you believe in, everybody loves a present.

Number one on a gift list should always be cash. I know you might think it is impersonal, or you didn’t put thought into it, but seriously, it’s cash! Who doesn’t like getting money? I think it’s more thoughtful that you considered all the crap you could have bought me, that I would pretend to like then make fun of when you left, and throw in the closet until the first 100-degree day, when I put the air in the house on 60 degrees and clean out the closet.

If you are one of those people that refuses to give cash, how about a gift card? You know me well enough to know where I shop; go pick me a card of cash I can spend there. Honestly, you know I like to shop at Target, but judging from the junk in your house, and that hideous sweater you are wearing, you should never pick out any of those items for another person.

Another big option is a Christmas-themed gift. Moms LOVE this. The problem is, people put out their Christmas gear the day after Thanksgiving, and if you hold out until the 25th, they don’t have a spot to put it, and now they have to rearrange. Not that it matters; by January 2^nd, it’s packed up again. Stop being a tightwad and buy that stuff and give it early, then get her something else for Christmas. Also, if you give a snow globe to another human being as a gift, you really should get drilled in the back of the head with it when you turn around, and once you are, don’t be surprised if he goes through your wallet.

That being said, I think the best gift idea is to make a donation to Toys for Tots or something like that so a child can get something. Really, do you need another fleece pullover or PS3^®game? You are an adult and can buy what you want when you want. Remember, we don’t all have that luxury.

Have a wonderful Holiday Season! See you in ‘08!